Josh kept his feelings secret most of the time. He pretended to be okay with things when he wasn’t. When his anger and frustration reached the point of no return he demanded that his partner listen and act on his feelings. By that time it didn't sound like sharing, but an angry tirade that turned Clarissa off.
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| Josh acts like there is nothing to tell and silences his feelings |
Josh complained when Clarissa was quiet because he didn’t know what was going on for her. He would probe and she would refuse to open up. When she wanted to talk he didn't want to listen. So she ended up keeping her feelings secret a lot of the time until she couldn’t hold it in any longer.
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| Clarissa is scared to speak and silences her feelings |
Of course nothing good came of these bursts of spewed out feelings that had been kept secret for so long. Neither Josh nor Clarissa could absorb and respond to demands and chaotic spewing of feelings that have been let of the cage of secrecy.
Josh and Clarissa both kept their true feelings secret out of FEAR
FEAR of rejection
FEAR of being overwhelmed
FEAR of hearing something wounding
FEAR of being dismissed
FEAR of being ignored
FEAR of feeling weak
FEAR of feeling needy
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| Fear gags and destroys connections |
Partners live a life of PRETENSE. Which brings anger and stress, which making it harder to connect.
Secrets between romantic partners threatens the closeness that is essential for joint commitment and relationship security. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2009
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| Closeness comes when each accepts the other person's feelings |
Being open with your feelings as they come up is the bravest and most constructive way of connecting that binds and solidifies relationships.
Tip for communicating your feelings:
Speak out about your fear at the time you are experiencing it. So if you are having an argument, tell yourself first what your biggest fear is.
If it is that the relationship will end, then speak it.
If it is that you won’t be loved anymore, speak it. Putting it into words takes the sting out of it and makes you notice the evidence to the contrary.
Remember that what ever your fears are, it is guaranteed that your partner has the exact same fears.
When you share your fears, you are not pretending, nor keeping things secret because of fear.
When you are honest about your feelings even if they are critical of your partner, it gives you both a chance reduce the fears through mutual reassurance and renewed commitment.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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