Couples Speak Decoded

Are you attacked in your relationship for trying to help?

2010-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

An Unselfish Partner Makes Justine Hate Herself
Perry was a good man. He was unselfish and always willing to help ease the burdens on Justine who was very grateful. She knew she was lucky to have him and felt each time she felt frustrated and angry with him. Shame and self-loathing overcame her when she erupted and let him have a piece of her mind.

Perry and Justine both put up walls and block communication

Justine wants Perry to tune into her - Perry wants intellectual understanding
Justine wanted Perry to stand along side her in the moment she was trying to communicate with him about her feelings and needs when she was in a bad place. She wanted comfort, acceptance and understanding.

Perry is scared of being dragged down
Perry was scared that if he went into the feeling place with Justine he would be pulled into a vortex of hopelessness and despair that neither of them would be able to escape. So he tuned out his feelings and focused on solutions to fix Justine’s problems.


Justine and Perry tune each other out and feel alone in their private worlds

Justine feels disconnected and lost

Justine felt abandoned with the intellectual nature of the conversation.

Justine imagined that her longing for comfort and reassurance hadn’t come across.

Justine got anxious and more distressed

Justine tried again, in a more desperate tone.

Perry feels threatened and inadequate

Perry felt even more threatened by the escalation of negative feelings coming from Justine

Perry felt even more scared that Justine’s increased emotion would drag him down

Perry felt inadequate that his initial attempts to fix her problems failed

Perry tried harder coming up with more ideas to pacify her.


Trapped in fear and isolation Perry and Justine try and fail to connect

Perry and Justine get scared that their relationship is falling apart

Justine got more desperate and angry that she wasn’t getting through

Justine escalated her efforts with an even more urgent words and tone

Justine went away defeated, sad and angry that her loved one wasn’t in tune with her

Perry went away defeated, sad and angry that his loved one wasn’t responding to his efforts.

How can Perry and Justine get back on track?

Perry was lost and confused about why his problem solving skills didn’t work

Perry felt hurt and rejected, licked his wounds and went back to his life.

He was giving it his best shot. What else could he do?

Justine was lost and confused as to why Perry didn’t get her need for his understanding

Justine felt hurt and rejected, angry and unloved. She shut down and did as Perry said.

She didn’t know how else to reach out for Perry and share experiences.

All he seemed to want to share were ideas and solutions, not joint experiences and emotions.

Listen to the Audio to find out how Justine and Perry found a happy meeting place

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Keeping Your Feelings Secret is the Best Way Of Ending a Relationship

2010-09-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

Josh kept his feelings secret most of the time. He pretended to be okay with things when he wasn’t. When his anger and frustration reached the point of no return he demanded that his partner listen and act on his feelings. By that time it didn't sound like sharing, but an angry tirade that turned Clarissa off.

Josh acts like there is nothing to tell and silences his feelings

Josh complained when Clarissa was quiet because he didn’t know what was going on for her. He would probe and she would refuse to open up. When she wanted to talk he didn't want to listen. So she ended up keeping her feelings secret a lot of the time until she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Clarissa is scared to speak and silences her feelings

Of course nothing good came of these bursts of spewed out feelings that had been kept secret for so long. Neither Josh nor Clarissa could absorb and respond to demands and chaotic spewing of feelings that have been let of the cage of secrecy.

Josh and Clarissa both kept their true feelings secret out of FEAR
FEAR of rejection
FEAR of being overwhelmed
FEAR of hearing something wounding
FEAR of being dismissed
FEAR of being ignored
FEAR of feeling weak
FEAR of feeling needy

Fear gags and destroys connections

Fear is the engine that drives couples to keep secrets from each other. It creates tension, bad moods and eats away at the bonds that connect and strengthen relationships.

Partners live a life of PRETENSE. Which brings anger and stress, which making it harder to connect.

Secrets between romantic partners threatens the closeness that is essential for joint commitment and relationship security. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2009

Closeness comes when each accepts the other person's feelings

Being open with your feelings as they come up is the bravest and most constructive way of connecting that binds and solidifies relationships.

Tip for communicating your feelings:
Speak out about your fear at the time you are experiencing it. So if you are having an argument, tell yourself first what your biggest fear is.

If it is that the relationship will end, then speak it.

If it is that you won’t be loved anymore, speak it. Putting it into words takes the sting out of it and makes you notice the evidence to the contrary.

Remember that what ever your fears are, it is guaranteed that your partner has the exact same fears.

When you share your fears, you are not pretending, nor keeping things secret because of fear.

When you are honest about your feelings even if they are critical of your partner, it gives you both a chance reduce the fears through mutual reassurance and renewed commitment.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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THREE WAYS TO TELL IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE PEOPLE OR OBJECTS TO ONE ANOTHER

2010-08-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE OBJECTS OR PEOPLE?

Do you often feel treated like a ‘thing’ instead of a person?

Paying lip service

If : Your partner asks you how you are, but pays lip service to your responses. It is a duty that takes it course but has no meaning in terms of really being interested in and sharing your experiences.

You are being treated as if you were an object, not a person with thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

sharing feelings in a genuine way

If: Your partner can be with you in your highest and lowest moments without injecting themselves or other topics into the mix. If you are sad your partner wants to share in the sadness so you aren’t alone. If you are excited your partner makes an effort to feel the same energy and join you in that place.

You are viewed as a person with a right to have your own experiences that is important and meaningful to your partner.

Just a glorified maid or handyman

If: You acknowledge the tangible things your partner does, such as household jobs, getting the car fixed, sorting out insurance claims, etc. BUT rarely notices your partner listening and comforting, sharing your time, sense of humor, knowledge or experience.

Your partner is just a means to an end, a 'thing' that gets the chores done.

he can have his feelings even though she doesn't agree

If: You allow your partner to have their own feelings and values about life even though it may not match your own, you view your partner as a person. Your partner can be sad and angry about the discrepancy, but you honor their right to see things differently.

You treat your partner as a real person with whom you have a relationship that matters. The emotional connection is the important feature, not the handyman or maid duties performed.

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Stop Competing with Your Partner and Begin Taking Care of Each Other

2010-07-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Anger was Terrance's only weapon against a perceived attack
Terrence felt his head throb with anger. His jaw tightened and he ground his teeth to try and control his fury. He wanted to tear up the list of schools and throw it at his wife. He felt attacked and wanted to hit back in a way that stopped her from speaking about his future ever again.

Cameron had found several health and fitness schools where her husband could enroll and become a personal fitness trainer. That was Terrence’s dream. He wanted to own his own studio some day and enjoy being his own boss. Cameron imagined his smile as she gave him the information, and felt warm about their marriage.

“ Why do you always have to bring up work and the money situation when I’m tired and drained?” Terrence responded angrily to Cameron’s offer and encouragement.

“ You’re always talking about your dream and your wish to earn more money so we could have a better life. You never do anything about it, but talk. At least I got off my backside and found you some schools in the area! Why are you so angry about that?” Cameron hit back.

Anger rescued Terrance from the shame that overwhelmed him
Terrence’s anger was a powerful defensive move against the offensive tactics in his wife’s behavior. He needed to defend himself from the image staring at him in the mirror his wife had just put in front of him. He had to smash the mirror so that:

He didn’t feel the shame of talking the talk and not doing the walk.
He didn’t feel the fear it aroused, nor the paralysis it caused.
He didn’t feel the desperate need to be taken care of by his wife.
He didn’t have to admit that he was just like his father - earning less than his wife, needing her, yet resenting her for being the bread winner.

Anger was the only way Terrance accessed his power
Getting angry made him feel strong and righteous. Terrence sidestepped the implications of his fear, shame and neediness which in his eyes made him a wimp. Better to be angry and accuse his wife of pushing him to do things at the wrong time. Focusing on her meant the heat was off him.

Cameron's anger built up as she felt burdened with family duties
Cameron felt hurt and slapped in the face for doing something she hoped would please her husband and motivate him to act on fulfilling his dream. She was also getting increasingly fearful of having to be the main earner while raising a family and never being released from that responsibility. That’s when her irritation with Terrence turned into rage. Her anger burst out in waves, as she yelled back at Terrence.

“I’m tired of your excuses. It’s never a good time for you. I’m fed up with having to pay the lion’s share of the bills and worry about how you feel about it. I have to take care of everything around here and it’s wearing me down. You better get your act together and do something, because I’m not sure if I can handle this any more.” Cameron retaliated with anger and frustration as she laid it on the line.

Anger drove a wedge between Terrence and Cameron.
Anger made them both feel powerful in their respective shoes.
Anger covered up the gaping hole in their relationship through which neither of them wanted to face.
Anger was the stop gap emotion that obscured the need to negotiate their relationship expectations on more honest grounds.

Terrance and Cameron are both terrified of their need for each other
Cameron and Terrence have one thing in common that they can use to write a script for their marriage that honors both their need and expectations.

They are both scared to death.
They are both terrified and panicked about ‘neediness.’

Terrance's anger covers up his longing to be taken care of
Terrence is afraid to admit how much he wants to be taken care of and depend on his wife. So he talks about being a fitness trainer to give himself a shot in the arm. He has no intention of ever reaching for it because it is a way of denying his neediness, not a genuine goal.

Cameron's anger protects against her fear of being let down
Cameron is scared of wanting to depend on her spouse in case he lets her down. So far he is giving her every sign that she is right to worry about allowing herself to even consider it. She yearns for her husband to be the one to keep his word and be a reliable care taker - unlike her father who always promised to be there and never was.

Anger changed to mutual support when mutual neediness was accepted
Making a commitment to couples therapy helped Cameron and Terrence deal with the anger that was camouflaging their underlying fears of neediness. In therapy they got in touch with the fear of wanting to be taken care of but not being able to rely on each other. They empathized with each other and found ways to connect that made them more willing to be mutual care takers. When they notice the anger coming on strong, they are now able to use it as an alert that their core need for caretaking requires expression and attention.

Are your relationships doomed because you can't find the right partner?

2010-06-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

How could Neville’s fiance drop him after everything he had done?

Just as the wedding plans were being finalized Neville’s fiance broke off the relationship- for the third time!

He couldn’t believe it. He had been there through thick and thin, including seeing Sheila through her bouts of anxiety and depression. He made allowances for her during these times, and tolerated Sheila’s mother trying to compete with him for the role of ‘chief caretaker.’

No matter how patient he was or how many allowances he made, at the end of the day he felt dumped. Just as he was looking forward to looking for a house and planning the details of the wedding Sheila backed out saying she couldn’t go through with it. She wasn’t ready. She was very sorry, especially as this was a repeat of what had happened before, but it wasn’t going to work out.

Neville was shocked, angry, disappointed and living in terror
Neville was in shock. This was the closest he had ever gotten to tying the knot with someone he was nuts about, and it all fell apart. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find that magic that his parents seemed to have and that he was desperately wanting to capture? Amid the fear that he was going to miss the boat, Neville felt angry, disappointed and terrified. The mix of feelings was overwhelming and paralyzed him for a while.

Neville was shocked that he wasn't able to control his life
The shock came from discovering that no matter how good, kind, understanding and patient he was, he couldn’t make things happen the way he wanted and expected. Healthy intimate relationships were just never going to come his way.

Neville was angry that he allowed himself to believe and hope
The anger came from being strung along, for his hopes to have been raised again only to be dashed and crushed. He was also angry at himself for believing Sheila would be different third time around. He was furious that he had allowed his dreams and hopes to blind him to Sheila’s problems in committing to this or any other relationship.

Neville was disappointed that he wasn't going to have a copy of his parents' marriage

The disappointment came from a history of never finding the right woman, and if it seemed like he had, he would be jilted. Neville longed to be like his dad, lovingly taken care of by his wife. Neville wanted to be the center of a woman’s universe, just like his father was to his mother. Neville wanted never to have to worry about his wife having competing interests. He wanted to be able to enjoy his job and his hobbies while secure in the knowledge that any wife of his would be just like his mother, totally devoted to her husband. He wanted their kind of intimacy.

Neville was terrified that he'd always be attracted to the wrong women
The terror came from a sense of foreboding that he was never going to fall for a good women like his mother. He had dated other women who were reliable, kind, supportive and adoring. Those women didn’t keep his attention. He enjoyed being adored for a while but felt no pull or attraction. He ended those relationships without much feeling, but remained terrified that he wouldn’t find someone who had both the caring qualities of his mother and the addictive qualities of Sheila. It was her total absorption in him one minute and her detachment the next that tantalized him and made him try harder. He wanted the absorption to last for ever, like his parents marriage seemed to portray.

Can Neville be attracted to good women and have the relationship he craves?
Neville was caught in a trap. The trap was wanting to recreate and relive his parents marriage, instead of building a unique one of his own. Anything that differed from the rosy picture he had of his parent’s relationship felt inadequate and unsatisfying. Nothing in the real world ever matched up to his ideal, and Neville was left feeling angry and hopeless.

Neville’s attempt to superimpose what he believed to be the perfect marriage on all other relationships made him unavailable to those women who did care for him and were willing to commit to him. His insistence on turning his relationship with Sheila into a replica of his parents marriage made her withdraw, since she was being asked to be Neville’s mother, not be herself.

Will Neville break through his bubble and have a real relationship or is he doomed to wanting something that belongs to his parents?

Neville’s hurt, anger terror and disappointment can be useful to him if he allows it to help him break through the bubble he wants a future wife to live in with him. He is capable of creating his own unique relationship that can grow and develop rather than borrow that of his parents and preserve it like an Egyptian mummy. Neville doesn’t have to feel like he is betraying his parents if he has a life that differs from that of his parents. Nor does he have to give up feeling loved and cared for if it comes in a package that looks different from his mother.

Separating himself from his parents will help Neville be his own man, and allow a woman in his life to be her own person. Opening the door for love and commitment to come in many different but equally meaningful ways can free Neville from his emotional trap. Together they can create a strong, healthy relationship full of energy, hope and vitality.

Intimacy Reduces Stress

2010-05-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

Research indicates that if you have a healthy intimate relationship, you are less likely to suffer from stress.

The protective factors in healthy intimate relationships are huge.

Security with your partner reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) in your body.

Good communication and empathy create security.

The best way to share empathy and 'get' each other is by using the 7 core principles for healthy intimate relationships.

No it isn't just compromising, or being honest. It's much deeper than that.

As a relationship expert with over 65 published articles on the factors that make or break relationships, here is your chance to get my
free report and tips

Relationship Problems Are Made Worse By Insincere Apologies

2010-05-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?

Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?

If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.

So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.

Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:

1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”

This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to preempt an angry assault from you. Taking the blame means your partner can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.

Outcome: you are being given a message to hurry up and feel good already, so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.

Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.

Your partner may make this apology instead:

2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”

These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.

Outcome: you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.

What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.

Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.

Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.

Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:

3. “I can see that I have hurt you. Please tell me how you feel. I really want to understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly. I’m ready and interested to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”

Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.

Outcome: the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.

Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings. Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.

Read about the other 7 fake apologies

Healthy relationships involve sharing sadness for deep intimacy.

2010-04-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

Ever had that cold scary feeling inside when your partner doesn't get how much you long to feel close?

Does it make you angry and defensive?

All that does is push you further apart.

One way of connecting is through the sadness that you feel when you sense the distance between you and your loved one.

Anger gives you vitality - but you lose the intimacy you crave

Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result. But you pay a big price.

You may feel fully alive and vital.

You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.

But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.

Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

Improve relationships using mutual sadness as the glue

Remind yourself that your partner feels just as sad as you when you are wedged apart.

Sadness at being apart and a desire for closeness is a good bridge to intimacy.

Talk to one another about your worst fears when you feel judged by one another.

Have a dialogue through your mutual understanding rather than a battle from a place of defense.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security. Get tips on becoming stronger and sign up for my latest articles.

Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

2010-02-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

2009-12-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Why do you keep the good stuff to yourself and only share the bad moods!

2009-11-15T10:52:00.000-08:00

A comforting wife made Noam glad he was married
Noam’s cell phone vibrated as he woke up next to his wife in the vacation hotel room. The text message told him that his best friend had been fatally injured in a car accident. Trudy consoled her husband and made allowances for his bad mood for the rest of the vacation and the first week back at home. She comforted him and eased his guilt about not visiting his friend just before the vacation.! Noam shared his grief, frustration and unsettled feelings with Trudy, lapping up her interest, care and concern.

Noam doesn't need Trudy when he's doing good
A few weeks later Noam came home from work in a good mood. He had just got a managerial position with more money. He told Trudy and then buried himself in the television. Trudy congratulated him and wanted to know more. She sat by him and asked questions trying to share in the experience.

“ I already told you! I got the promotion and I’m glad they finally see how hard I’ve been working.” Noam responded, not taking his eyes of the screen.

“ You must be feeling so proud of yourself. What’s it going to be like to be the boss over some of your friends?” Trudy asked as she celebrated his achievement.

“ Fine. I’m watching the game right now. What’s for dinner?” Noam replied cutting Trudy off.

Trudy felt rebuffed and went back into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She felt pushed out and excluded. It hurt that he didn’t want to enjoy his good news with her.

Noam wants to keep his good feelings all to himself
Noam wanted to hang onto his good feelings for as long as he could. He wanted them all for himself. Trudy’s excitement and probing made him feel like she wanted to rob him of his accomplishments. It was as if she wanted to own some of it and that would make him feel less proud. So he kept her at bay. He wanted a pat on the back and nothing more. He didn’t want to take a chance with her coming into his good stuff and tainting it with her prints. If he let her share it, she would spoil the purity of the experience.

Noam wants sympathy but Trudy keeps her distance
A couple of days later Noam’s car battery gave out and he had the inconvenience of calling for roadside assistance. He whined and complained about it when he got home looking for Trudy to fuss over him and pour out words of sympathy. His wall was almost all the way down, but she didn’t want to go in.

“So you were a bit late for work, no big deal!” she said not wanting this topic to linger on.

“That’s just what I needed to hear! The only time I can count on you is when I’m a wreck. That’s the only time you come through for me. I’m sick of having to be so low before you act like you care!” Noam stormed off.

Trudy gives up on staying close to Noam
Noam only feels safe putting his guard down when he is desperately sad, scared and lost. When he is in that low place he lets Trudy in and they connect in a good way, making them stronger as a team. But when Noam feels good, proud, and able to manage by himself, he puts the wall up and only allow Trudy to watch from afar. She is expected to pin a medal on his chest and then withdraw. No wonder she just gives up.

Bummer for Trudy and bummer for Noam. Trudy wants to be close to Noam all the time but he is too scared to let her in unless he is in a bad, bad way. Noam wants to be close to Trudy all the time but she doesn’t always feel welcome and keeps her distance after getting burned.

Lowering the wall enough to feel close rather than fearful of being robbed
Trudy needs to show Noam how he pushes her out when he is feeling good. - every single time he does it. That will nudge Noam into doing a reality check on his fear that his perfect moment is going to be taken away. Noam will eventually realize that rather than his bubble bursting, the bubble is bigger and lasts longer. As he feels safer, Trudy will feel more invited and more willing to be the partner he expects and that she wants to be.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Take the relationship quiz and find out your style of finding relationship security.

Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?

2009-08-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?

Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?

Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.

Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together

He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.

Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?

If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.

In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.

Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!

1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!

2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.

3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.

4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.

Do You Feel Invisible When Your Partner is Busy?

2009-07-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?
Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn’t want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.

Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn’t really want to. He wasn’t going to second guess her motives.

Roxy wants to be the important one
The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at reading her feelings. She didn’t want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom’s attention.

“Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?” Tom enquired.

“ I saw you guys yapping away. It didn’t seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn’t bother” replied Roxy in a defeated tone.

“ Why can’t you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!” Tom hit back.

“ I don’t feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don’t have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me.” Roxy bared her soul.

“Tomorrow I’m all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me” consoled Tom.

The tables are turned
The next day Tom followed Roxy’s agenda. But Roxy was busy texting her friends, checking her e-mail and answering calls from colleagues and clients. It was as if he weren’t there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.

How come Roxy ignores Tom when she’s got his attention?
When Tom is with her Roxy doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. She doesn’t have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.

Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn’t the top priority in Roxy’s mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?

What’s going on with Roxy?
If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming the top spot in his mind.

What’s going on with Tom?
He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love. He's not sure if she really wants him, or just wants to stop him from being with anyone else.

Connection and security can go together
Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:
1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.
2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.
3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.

Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:
1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.
2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.
3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.

Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

2009-06-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?

Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.

Are They Lucky or What!

Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.

Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.

Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner

Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.

Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?

Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.

Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps

Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.

The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check

Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.

Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten

2009-03-05T16:20:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection

Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!

Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.

Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself ," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."

"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."

" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"

Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.

From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.

Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.

Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to

Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
Be compassionate with himself
Allow himself to make mistakes
Like himself even when he messes up

Second Duane needs to

Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.

Adele needs to

Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other

As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

2009-02-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap

Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

unfair
a burden
an intrusion
one person getting away with something

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

make a slit in the potato skin
put some butter on it
add some sour cream and chives
take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship .

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

2009-02-21T16:54:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination

Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

2009-02-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.

Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6

2009-02-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr

The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.

The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."

Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."

"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.

Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."

Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.

Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.

So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr

The results are

bad feelings all around
no real exchange of feelings
masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
pretense of being the noble one

Breaking the Martyr Cycle

Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership .

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake 5

2009-01-31T17:39:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number 5- Preventing Your Partner From Growing

Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.

The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:

A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '

The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.

" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.

" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.

"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."

Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.

WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?

Sela can follow her heart and do the class, risking Danny's jealousies and fears .
Sela can choose to avoid confrontation and deny herself what she is entitled to.

Do either of these seem like possible ways out of this problem? What do you think?

What if?

If Sela gives in she will resent Danny and their relationship will rot and fester and tear and disintegrate. Anger and resentment will ruin their bonds.

If Sela does what she wants, Danny will become more paranoid about losing her and start imagining the worst scenario's possible, driving her mad and pushing her away.

Either way they are doomed.

Soloution: Danny can allow himself to grow too. He can take up a new hobby or get more involved with his children. He can also show an interest in Sela's photography and become a part of that so that he doesn't feel left out. Including himself means he can tolerate her growth and grow with her, rather than strangling her dreams and with it their marriage.

Ten Mistakes For Couples to Avoid - Mistake 4

2009-01-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number 4 - Treat Each Other With Contempt

Rupert drove Estelle to her brother's party in a foul mood. She could hardly bear to be near him, and kept making snide comments about his driving.

" You drive like teenager with a new toy! Grow up for heaven's sake!" Estelle said in a demeaning tone.

" Well look at you! You're a middle aged woman dressed up like some has been trying to make herself look like a hot chick! Rupert gave as good as he got.

Number One Predictor of Divorce
Research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is exchanging condemnation between couples. The fabric of the relationship is torn apart. There is no respect, care or concern for each other's feelings, only a need to score points and feel superior. Tearing your partner down, means you also tear down the marriage. That leaves both parties feeling unsafe. They are either bracing themselves for an onslaught or they are getting ready to deliver a blow. Either way they are not available to listen or care.

Five Ways to Avoid The Trap

Acknowledge the anger your partner has without getting defensive.
Ask what the anger is about.
Make the relationship safe again so that a caring dialogue can occur.
Use your right to clear up any misunderstandings
Find a common thread that can create a sense of togetherness

Resources
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Three

2009-01-17T15:18:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number 3 -Thinking and Feeling For Your Partner

Connie Imagines The Worst
The pregnancy test proved positive. Connie's heart sank. How could she tell Mario? He would just flip out. He didn't want kids just yet. He would feel tricked and manipulated . He would find Connie unattractive. He would be angry with her. He would despise her. He wouldn't want to have anymore to do with her. He would find someone else. He would leave her.

Thinking and Feeling For Mario Makes Connie Feel Stronger
Those racing thoughts that spelled out catastrophe made Connie terrified of talking to Mario. She had already convinced herself of how he would feel, how he would react. In her mind she had put their relationship in a grave.

Fortified with an image of just how it would go, she finally got up the courage to tell Mario the next day. Insulated against the bad reaction she had predicted, she gave him the news.

" I'm a month late, and I think I may be pregnant. I know it's not what you want. I'm not sure how it happened. I suppose you want to leave me, so if you're going to go, do it now!"

Mario Is Mad At Being Treated Like A Puppet
Mario was mad. " You know what, I might just do that! I'm tired of you telling me what I think, how I feel, and what I will do. You expect me to be mean, and then you tell me I'm going to be mean, and set me up for it. Then when I get mad you feel rejected."

Connie Rob's Herself of Loyalty and Commitment
Connie's desperate need for predictability made her write unhappy scenes in her head which she then forced Mario to act out. The result was that she became the ventriloquist to Mario's puppet. She took away his mind, his ability to think and feel for himself. She robbed herself of his intelligence, emotions and empathy for her. She robbed him of the opportunity to offer her support, comfort, loyalty and commitment.

Open Doors and Get The Goodies
Allowing your partner to have their full range of feelings, thoughts and ideas means you value them. It means that you accept them as they are, not who you think they may be. Giving them space and encouraging them to be who they truly are gives them the opportunity to be so much more to you than your imagination can conceive.

Mix and Match Thoughts and Feelings for a Solid Relationship
Be curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Mix and match them with your own, and together you will have a strong resource that belongs to the both of you as a couple. That is a good solid foundation for a lasting relationship .

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Resource: Togetherness sporting activities

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake Two

2009-01-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number Two - Expecting Your Partner To Be A Mind Reader

The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.

In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.

Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.

Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.

The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.

"What's wrong?" she asked several times.

" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.

Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.

Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.

Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"

Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got

more immediate understanding
more sympathy
more attention
a greater sense of being loved and cared for
a boost from feeling valued and important to his partner

Hoping For Your Mind To Be Read Equals Self-Sabotage

By waiting and hoping that somehow Nora would just figure it out by magic, he sabotaged his very reasonable needs.

The Dance of Talking and Sharing Feelings

One measure of connectedness is anticipating each other's needs and preparing to meet them as and when appropriate. However, this type of intimacy doesn't happen overnight, nor is it an automatic part of the deal when two people choose to enter a relationship.

There is also the dance of talking about feelings, thoughts, and everything else that is inside you. Keeping silent and waiting for your partner to guess is the second biggest mistake couples make that leads to the destruction of a relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

2009-01-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relation ship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Would You Rather Have Boring Predictability or Exciting Uncertainty?

2008-12-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

Making the Most of the Holidays
Clay was determined to enjoy the holidays despite the fact that he couldn't travel to be with his mother and sister. He made sure that Linda and the baby wanted for nothing. He was looking forward to sharing the joy of giving and receiving gifts with his son, his wife and her family and all his friends.

Linda Thinks She's Second Best
Linda was not so sure that Clay would be as happy with her and the baby as he would have been with his mother and sister. She had a nagging doubt that he would pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. She was so consumed with worry that she was second best and not up to scratch that she kept dropping little hints. " I guess the turkey wasn't like your mother's!" or sorry the mp3 player I gave you isn't as good a present as the iphone your sister got for you!"

The Challenge Was On
Reassuring Linda didn't seem to work. The more Clay tried to tell Linda he was fine, the more she goaded him. It's as if she wanted to prove she wasn't able to give Clay the holiday he deserved. She was challenging him to make comparisons that were not in her favor. Clay got so frustrated that he burst out " You know what? You are making a nice day into a rotten one. If you really want me to think I'd be better off with my mother, you are doing a great job in getting me to that place!"

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
All the efforts that Clay made to create new memories and start a fresh holiday tradition didn't feel real to Linda. She couldn't believe that he could give up his old memories and make equally good if not better ones with her. So she poked him until he responded in a way that was familiar to her. Now she didn't have to worry anymore, her prediction had come true.

Self-sabotage
Linda had sabotaged her chances of discovering that she was worth being with, and was just as good if not better than Clay's family members.

Speaking In Tongues Hides Real Fears
Linda's needling of Clay was code for something she couldn't say upfront. She couldn't express how insecure she felt, and how scared she was of failing her husband and perhaps losing him. So she drove him to behave in exactly the way she dreaded most.

Do you find yourself or your partner doing the same thing - fulfilling your worst nightmares? Perhaps the relief of something predictable is better than the uncertainty. Linda closes doors to feel safe. What do you do to feel safe?

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Is Sex In Your Relationship Really About Sex?

2008-10-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

Who wants to be treated like a dumpster?

Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

What if I’m Not Attractive To My Wife?

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Avoiding The Confrontation

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter.

Criticism Turns Off The Sexual Tap

“ Are you feeling okay?” Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

“ I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

“ It comes up every time I try to make love to you.” Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

“ I can’t help it if I’m tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep.” Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

“ What am I doing wrong? I worry that I’m not attractive to you any longer.” Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

“ You just don’t get it do you? You criticize me if I’m tired, or if I go away for work . If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn’t exactly make me feel like having sex with you.” Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre’s head.

“ I don’t mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What’s the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates.” Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Feeling Unwanted and Unattractive
Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.
Is Sex Really Sex, Or Managing Boundaries?

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

You Tear Down the Walls, I Put Them Back Up
Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don’t have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stressed of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You listen to everyone else but me!

2008-10-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

The stinging rebuke
Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.

You listen to everyone else but me!
“ I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won’t have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing.” Barry commented as he got ready for bed.

“ I’ve been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth.” Valerie huffed getting under the covers.

Defense and counter attack
“ It’s not true. You are just hypersensitive,” snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.

Valerie pushed Barry’s hand away and let him have it. “ You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing.”

A recipe for a perfect misunderstanding
“ You are making a big deal out of nothing! You’ve never said anything before? What’s got into you? Are your hormones playing up?” Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.

“ I don’t know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don’t take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?” Valerie pleaded.

Tug of war
Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone on their own planets, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.

Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.

Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.

Breaking the impasse
Valerie and Barry are lonely, and feeling misunderstood. They don’t have to stay there. A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique planet, and the third is the marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.

Respecting Valerie as an intelligent contributor is the best way of inviting her to join Barry on the marital planet. Keeping the door unlocked is Valerie’s most effective strategy for welcoming Barry onto their joint planet. The foundation they create together will be the most reliable security net for them both.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

2008-07-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.

Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now I Want You, Now I Don't!

2008-04-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

I Please You So You Need To Please Me!

Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.

How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
They need to share what they each represent for one another.
They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

2008-02-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.

Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.

The power game for Martin

· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.

· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.

· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.

· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.

· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.

Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest

1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?

2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.

3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.

4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

.

YOU NEVER COMPLIMENT ME!

2007-12-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

It's Just Not Fair!

Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.

I'll Knock Their Socks Off!
“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved. The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.

Compliment is Boomeranged Back

“Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”

Refusal To Allow the Good Stuff In

Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?

1. She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.

2. She would have to let the compliments in, and let them nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.

3. She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.

4. Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.

How Can This Couple Change The Script?

1. Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.

2. Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.

3. When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.

4. Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.

5. She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition

6. She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.

7. Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.

If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

2007-09-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

I Don't Buy That Story

Tim heard Josie's key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink.

"Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with passing notes to Al her team leader while sharing meaningful glances.

"Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated.

She's Following The Wrong Script

This wasn't the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie's lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn't give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

Demands For Sticking To The Right Script

" What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings .

Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations . Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

The Story Line Is Ruined
Tim's drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Reading From Different Scripts
Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim's prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn't Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Co-create The Drama For The Most Satisfying Relationship
Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising.

A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

When A Gift To Your Partner Feels Like An Insult

2007-08-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

I Bet He'll Be Thrilled!

Cheryl booked a vacation for herself and her husband Lee. She did the planning and paid for it. She imagined he would be thrilled since he was longing to get away with her and have a break from his demanding job. He was paying off large credit card debts and wasn’t able to afford vacations. Cheryl broke the exciting news two weeks before the departure hoping to surprise him.

Why Wasn't I Consulted?
Lee blew up at her. He felt insulted that he wasn’t consulted or asked to participate in the planning. He resented Cheryl for paying for the trip and wondered what the hidden strings would be. He didn’t like to depend on anyone and he certainly didn’t want his wife to pay for him.

Both Lee and Cheryl felt like they had been hit by a bolt of lightning. What started out as a potentially helpful and generous act became sour. Both felt unheard, unseen and wounded. So what went wrong?

Cheryl’s view point - Cheryl wanted Lee to hurry and be debt free so they could begin considering having a family, house, and annual vacations. She wanted to be proactive in this role and thought that her generosity would make Lee feel cared for and understood. She further thought it would encourage him to pay off his debt faster.

Cheryl’s expectations: She expected him to be pleased, grateful and make strides towards paying off his debt as a result. She wanted to pull him to be into her time line for their future lives.

Lee’s viewpoint - Lee was a fiercely independent person. He hated being obligated and felt that he had no choice in the matter when Cheryl made the announcement of the impending vacation with the added sting in the tail - ” so now you can pay your debt off sooner!” He saw this as a precondition of having the vacation and experienced his control being robbed from him. The vacation was not a gift but an insult.

What were their expectations and what went wrong? How can it be changed?

Lee’s expectations: He expected that he would be consulted about planning and paying for a vacation. He expected that he would have a say in what his contribution would be and that he could decide how he wanted to spend his money. He expected that Cheryl would have enough faith and trust in him regarding his debt repayments. He expected that if she really wanted to help him with the burden she would consult with him and they would jointly make an action plan.

Cheryl’s wounded response- when Lee was angry and far from grateful, Cheryl was flabbergasted. She felt slapped in the face and pushed aside. She felt Lee didn’t want her help and resented the time and effort she had put into this scheme. She felt disinclined to reach out and find common ground. She retaliated with hurt pride and anger .

Lee’s wounded response - Cheryl’s unilateral acts made Lee feel undermined and demeaned as a partner. He felt manipulated and controlled , so he reacted by retreating from Cheryl. He felt that his individuality was at stake. If he didn’t fall in with Cheryl’s time lines and visions for the future the entire relationship was threatened. He became even more determined to be independent. He became more suspicious of Cheryl’s so called helpful actions.

Lessons to learn -
1. If you are irritated by your partner’s behavior

talk about that specific behavior with them.
Don’t disguise your irritation by wrapping it up with a gift so that they are then “guilted” into changing that behavior.

2. If you find yourself unable to talk with your partner about an annoying trait

Ask yourself why? Do you think it will end in a row?
Will it be unresolved or are you afraid you won’t get the result you want?
When one partner wants the other to be more like them, and the other is fighting to stay unique both feel alone, hurt and misunderstood.

3. If you truly want to help your partner and share equally in their difficulties and joys

Ask what you can do to be of greatest value.
Don’t assume that your ideas will be seen as useful.
Find out what would really be appreciated and negotiate ways in which it could be implemented to honor the places you both find yourselves in.
If you want help ask for it in ways that show you are inviting and welcoming of participation.
Don’t just get mad when help is offered that isn’t to your liking. Give your partner a clearer picture of what kind of help would be appreciated without you feeling controlled.