Keeping Your Feelings Secret is the Best Way Of Ending a Relationship

Josh kept his feelings secret most of the time. He pretended to be okay with things when he wasn’t. When his anger and frustration reached the point of no return he demanded that his partner listen and act on his feelings. By that time it didn't sound like sharing, but an angry tirade that turned Clarissa off.

Josh acts like there is nothing to tell and silences his feelings

Josh complained when Clarissa was quiet because he didn’t know what was going on for her. He would probe and she would refuse to open up. When she wanted to talk he didn't want to listen. So she ended up keeping her feelings secret a lot of the time until she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Clarissa is scared to speak and silences her feelings

Of course nothing good came of these bursts of spewed out feelings that had been kept secret for so long. Neither Josh nor Clarissa could absorb and respond to demands and chaotic spewing of feelings that have been let of the cage of secrecy.

Josh and Clarissa both kept their true feelings secret out of FEAR
FEAR of rejection
FEAR  of being overwhelmed
FEAR of hearing something wounding
FEAR of being dismissed
FEAR of being ignored
FEAR  of feeling weak
FEAR  of feeling needy

Fear gags and destroys connections

Fear is the engine that drives couples to keep secrets from each other. It creates tension, bad moods and eats away at the bonds that connect and strengthen relationships.

Partners live a life of PRETENSE. Which brings anger and stress, which making it harder to connect.

Secrets between romantic partners threatens the closeness that is essential for joint commitment and relationship security. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2009

Closeness comes when each accepts the other person's feelings

Being open with your feelings as they come up is the bravest and most constructive way of connecting that binds and solidifies relationships.


Tip for communicating your feelings:
Speak out about your fear at the time you are experiencing it. So if you are having an argument, tell yourself first what your biggest fear is.

If it is that the relationship will end, then speak it.

If it is that you won’t be loved anymore, speak it. Putting it into words takes the sting out of it and makes you notice the evidence to the contrary.

Remember that what ever your fears are, it is guaranteed that your partner has the exact same fears.

When you share your fears, you are not pretending, nor keeping things secret because of fear.

When you are honest about your feelings even if they are critical of your partner, it gives you both a chance reduce the fears through mutual reassurance and renewed commitment.


 Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.



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Find out your relationship coping style

THREE WAYS TO TELL IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE PEOPLE OR OBJECTS TO ONE ANOTHER

DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE OBJECTS OR PEOPLE?

Do you often feel treated like a ‘thing’ instead of a person?

Paying lip service

If : Your partner asks you how you are, but pays lip service to your responses. It is a duty that takes it course but has no meaning in terms of really being interested in and sharing your experiences.

You are being treated as if you were an object, not a person with thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

 

sharing  feelings in a genuine way

If: Your partner can be with you in your highest and lowest moments without injecting themselves or other topics into the mix. If you are sad your partner wants to share in the sadness so you aren’t alone. If you are excited your partner makes an effort to feel the same energy and join you in that place.

You are viewed as a person with a right to have your own experiences that is important and meaningful to your partner. 

Just a glorified maid or handyman

If:  You acknowledge the tangible things your partner does, such as household jobs, getting the car fixed, sorting out insurance claims, etc. BUT rarely notices your partner listening and comforting, sharing your time, sense of humor, knowledge or experience.

Your partner is  just a means to an end, a 'thing' that gets the chores done.

he can have his feelings even though she doesn't agree

If: You  allow your partner to have their own feelings and values about life even though it may not match your own, you view your partner as a person. Your partner can be sad and angry about the discrepancy, but you honor their right to see things differently.


You treat your partner as a real person with whom you have a relationship that matters. The emotional connection is the important feature, not the handyman or maid duties performed.

Get more of these signs and improve your relationship

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are your relationships doomed because you can't find the right partner?

 

How could Neville’s fiance drop him after everything he had done?

Just as the wedding plans were being finalized Neville’s fiance broke  off  the relationship- for the third time!
 

He couldn’t believe it. He had been there through thick and thin, including seeing Sheila through her bouts of anxiety and depression. He made allowances for her during these times, and tolerated Sheila’s mother trying to compete with him for the role of ‘chief caretaker.’

No matter how patient he was or how many allowances he made, at the end of the day he felt dumped. Just as he was looking forward to looking for a house and planning the details of the wedding  Sheila backed out saying she couldn’t go through with it. She wasn’t ready. She was very sorry, especially as this was a repeat of what had happened before, but it wasn’t going to work out.

Neville was shocked, angry, disappointed and living in terror
Neville was in shock. This was the closest he had ever gotten to tying the knot with someone he was nuts about, and it all fell apart. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find that magic that his parents seemed to have and that he was desperately wanting to capture? Amid the fear that he was going to miss the boat, Neville felt angry, disappointed and terrified. The mix of feelings was overwhelming and paralyzed him for a while.

Neville was shocked that he wasn't able to control his life
The shock came from discovering that no matter how good, kind, understanding and patient he was, he couldn’t make things happen the way he wanted and expected. Healthy intimate relationships were just never going to come his way.

Neville was angry that he allowed himself to believe and hope
The anger came from being strung along, for his hopes to have been raised again only to be dashed  and crushed. He was also angry at himself for believing Sheila would be different third time around. He was furious that he had allowed his dreams and hopes to blind him to Sheila’s problems in committing to this or any other relationship.

Neville was disappointed that he wasn't going to have a copy of his parents' marriage

The disappointment came from a history of never finding the right woman, and if it seemed like he had, he would be jilted. Neville longed to be like his dad, lovingly taken care of by his wife. Neville wanted to be the center of a woman’s universe, just like his father was to his mother. Neville wanted never to have to worry about his wife having competing interests. He wanted to be able to enjoy his job and  his hobbies while secure in the knowledge that any wife of his would be just like his mother, totally devoted to her husband. He wanted their kind of intimacy.

Neville was terrified that he'd always be attracted to the wrong women
The terror came from a sense of foreboding that he was never going to fall for a good women like his mother. He had dated other women who were reliable, kind, supportive and adoring. Those women didn’t keep his attention. He enjoyed being adored for a while but felt no pull or attraction. He ended those relationships without much feeling, but remained terrified that he wouldn’t find someone who had both the caring qualities of his mother and the addictive qualities of Sheila. It was her total absorption in him one minute and her detachment the next that tantalized him and made him try harder. He wanted the absorption to last for ever, like his parents marriage seemed to portray.

Can Neville be attracted to good women and have the relationship he craves?
Neville was caught in a trap. The trap was wanting to recreate and relive his parents marriage, instead of building a unique one of his own.  Anything that differed from the rosy picture he had of his parent’s relationship felt inadequate and unsatisfying. Nothing in the real world ever matched up to his ideal, and Neville was left feeling angry and hopeless.

Neville’s attempt to superimpose what he believed to be the perfect marriage on all other relationships made him unavailable to those women who did care for him and were willing to commit to him. His insistence on turning his relationship with Sheila  into a replica of his parents marriage made her withdraw, since she was being asked to be Neville’s mother, not be herself.

 

Will Neville break through his bubble and have a real relationship or is he doomed to wanting something that belongs to his parents?

Neville’s hurt, anger terror and disappointment can be useful to him if he allows it to help him break through the bubble he wants a future wife to live in with him. He is capable of creating his own unique relationship that can grow and develop rather than borrow that of his parents and preserve it like an Egyptian mummy. Neville doesn’t have to feel like he is betraying his parents if he has a life that differs from that of his parents. Nor does he have to give up feeling loved and cared for if it comes in a package that looks different from his mother.

Separating himself from his parents will help Neville be his own man, and allow a woman in his life to be her own person. Opening the door for love and commitment to come in many different but equally meaningful ways can free Neville from his emotional trap. Together they can create a strong, healthy relationship full of energy, hope and vitality.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Intimacy Reduces Stress

Research indicates that if you have a healthy intimate relationship, you are less likely to suffer from stress.

The protective factors in healthy intimate relationships are huge.

Security with your partner reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) in your body.

Good communication and empathy create security.

The best way to share empathy and 'get' each other is by using the 7 core principles for healthy intimate relationships.

No it isn't just compromising, or being honest. It's much deeper than that.

As a relationship expert with over 65 published articles on the factors that make or break relationships, here is your chance to get my
  free report and tips

copyright. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.