Are you attacked in your relationship for trying to help?

An Unselfish Partner Makes Justine Hate Herself
Perry was a good man. He was unselfish and always willing to help ease the burdens on Justine who was very grateful. She knew she was lucky to have him and felt each time she felt frustrated and angry with him. Shame and self-loathing overcame her when she erupted and let him have a piece of her mind.

Perry and Justine both put up walls and block communication

Justine wants Perry to tune into her - Perry wants intellectual understanding
Justine wanted Perry to stand along side her in the moment she was trying to communicate with him about her feelings and needs when she was in a bad place. She wanted comfort, acceptance and understanding.

Perry is scared of being dragged down
Perry was scared that if he went into the feeling place with Justine he would be pulled into a vortex of hopelessness and despair that neither of them would be able to escape. So he tuned out his feelings and focused on solutions to fix Justine’s problems.

Justine and Perry tune each other out and feel alone in their private worlds

Justine feels disconnected and lost

Justine felt abandoned with the intellectual nature of the conversation.

Justine imagined that her longing for comfort and reassurance hadn’t come across.

Justine got anxious and more distressed

Justine tried again, in a more desperate tone.


Perry feels threatened and inadequate

Perry felt even more threatened by the escalation of negative feelings coming from Justine

Perry felt even more scared that Justine’s increased emotion would drag him down

Perry felt inadequate that his initial attempts to fix her problems failed

Perry tried harder coming up with more ideas to pacify her.

Trapped in fear and isolation Perry and Justine try and fail to connect

Perry and Justine get scared that their relationship is falling apart

Justine got more desperate and angry that she wasn’t getting through

Justine escalated her efforts with an even more urgent words and tone

Justine went away defeated, sad and angry that her loved one wasn’t in tune with her

Perry went away defeated, sad and angry that his loved one wasn’t responding to his efforts.



How can Perry and Justine get back on track?

Perry was lost and confused about why his problem solving skills didn’t work

Perry felt hurt and rejected, licked his wounds and went back to his life.

He was giving it his best shot. What else could he do?

Justine was lost and confused as to why Perry didn’t get her need for his understanding

Justine felt hurt and rejected, angry and unloved. She shut down and did as Perry said.

She didn’t know how else to reach out for Perry and share experiences.

All he seemed to want to share were ideas and solutions, not joint experiences and emotions.

Listen to the Audio to find out how Justine and Perry found a happy meeting place



Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Keeping Your Feelings Secret is the Best Way Of Ending a Relationship

Josh kept his feelings secret most of the time. He pretended to be okay with things when he wasn’t. When his anger and frustration reached the point of no return he demanded that his partner listen and act on his feelings. By that time it didn't sound like sharing, but an angry tirade that turned Clarissa off.

Josh acts like there is nothing to tell and silences his feelings

Josh complained when Clarissa was quiet because he didn’t know what was going on for her. He would probe and she would refuse to open up. When she wanted to talk he didn't want to listen. So she ended up keeping her feelings secret a lot of the time until she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Clarissa is scared to speak and silences her feelings

Of course nothing good came of these bursts of spewed out feelings that had been kept secret for so long. Neither Josh nor Clarissa could absorb and respond to demands and chaotic spewing of feelings that have been let of the cage of secrecy.

Josh and Clarissa both kept their true feelings secret out of FEAR
FEAR of rejection
FEAR  of being overwhelmed
FEAR of hearing something wounding
FEAR of being dismissed
FEAR of being ignored
FEAR  of feeling weak
FEAR  of feeling needy

Fear gags and destroys connections

Fear is the engine that drives couples to keep secrets from each other. It creates tension, bad moods and eats away at the bonds that connect and strengthen relationships.

Partners live a life of PRETENSE. Which brings anger and stress, which making it harder to connect.

Secrets between romantic partners threatens the closeness that is essential for joint commitment and relationship security. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2009

Closeness comes when each accepts the other person's feelings

Being open with your feelings as they come up is the bravest and most constructive way of connecting that binds and solidifies relationships.


Tip for communicating your feelings:
Speak out about your fear at the time you are experiencing it. So if you are having an argument, tell yourself first what your biggest fear is.

If it is that the relationship will end, then speak it.

If it is that you won’t be loved anymore, speak it. Putting it into words takes the sting out of it and makes you notice the evidence to the contrary.

Remember that what ever your fears are, it is guaranteed that your partner has the exact same fears.

When you share your fears, you are not pretending, nor keeping things secret because of fear.

When you are honest about your feelings even if they are critical of your partner, it gives you both a chance reduce the fears through mutual reassurance and renewed commitment.


 Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.



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THREE WAYS TO TELL IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE PEOPLE OR OBJECTS TO ONE ANOTHER

DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE OBJECTS OR PEOPLE?

Do you often feel treated like a ‘thing’ instead of a person?

Paying lip service

If : Your partner asks you how you are, but pays lip service to your responses. It is a duty that takes it course but has no meaning in terms of really being interested in and sharing your experiences.

You are being treated as if you were an object, not a person with thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

 

sharing  feelings in a genuine way

If: Your partner can be with you in your highest and lowest moments without injecting themselves or other topics into the mix. If you are sad your partner wants to share in the sadness so you aren’t alone. If you are excited your partner makes an effort to feel the same energy and join you in that place.

You are viewed as a person with a right to have your own experiences that is important and meaningful to your partner. 

Just a glorified maid or handyman

If:  You acknowledge the tangible things your partner does, such as household jobs, getting the car fixed, sorting out insurance claims, etc. BUT rarely notices your partner listening and comforting, sharing your time, sense of humor, knowledge or experience.

Your partner is  just a means to an end, a 'thing' that gets the chores done.

he can have his feelings even though she doesn't agree

If: You  allow your partner to have their own feelings and values about life even though it may not match your own, you view your partner as a person. Your partner can be sad and angry about the discrepancy, but you honor their right to see things differently.


You treat your partner as a real person with whom you have a relationship that matters. The emotional connection is the important feature, not the handyman or maid duties performed.

Get more of these signs and improve your relationship

Take the relationship quiz and discover your likelihood of sabotaging your relationship

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Problems Are Made Worse By Insincere Apologies

Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?

Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?

If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.

So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.

Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:

1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”

This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to  preempt an angry assault from you.  Taking the blame means your partner  can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.

Outcome: you are being given  a message  to hurry up and feel good already,  so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.

Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.

Your partner may make this apology instead:

 2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”

These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.

Outcome:  you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.

What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.

Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.

Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.

Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:

3. “I can see that I have hurt you.  Please tell me how you feel. I  really want to  understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly.  I’m ready and interested  to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”

Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.

Outcome:   the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.


Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings.  Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.


Read about the other 7 fake apologies

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Healthy relationships involve sharing sadness for deep intimacy.

Ever had that cold scary feeling inside when your partner doesn't get how much you long to feel close?

Does it make you angry and defensive?

All that does is push you further apart.

One way of connecting is through the sadness that you feel when you sense the distance between you and your loved one.


Anger gives you vitality - but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result. But you pay a big price.

• You may feel fully alive and vital.

• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.

• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.

• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

 Improve relationships using mutual sadness as the glue

• Remind yourself that your partner feels just as sad as you when you are wedged apart.

• Sadness at being apart and a desire for closeness is a good bridge to intimacy.

• Talk to one another about your worst fears when you feel judged by one another.

• Have a dialogue through your mutual understanding rather than a battle from a place of defense.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

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Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?

Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?

Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?

Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.

Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together

He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.

Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?

If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.

In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.

Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!

1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!

2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.

3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.

4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do You Feel Invisible When Your Partner is Busy?

Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?
Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn’t want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.

Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn’t really want to. He wasn’t going to second guess her motives.

Roxy wants to be the important one
The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at reading her feelings. She didn’t want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom’s attention.

“Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?” Tom enquired.

“ I saw you guys yapping away. It didn’t seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn’t bother” replied Roxy in a defeated tone.

“ Why can’t you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!” Tom hit back.

“ I don’t feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don’t have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me.” Roxy bared her soul.

“Tomorrow I’m all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me” consoled Tom.

The tables are turned
The next day Tom followed Roxy’s agenda. But Roxy was busy texting her friends, checking her e-mail and answering calls from colleagues and clients. It was as if he weren’t there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.

How come Roxy ignores Tom when she’s got his attention?
When Tom is with her Roxy doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. She doesn’t have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.

Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn’t the top priority in Roxy’s mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?

What’s going on with Roxy?
If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming the top spot in his mind.

What’s going on with Tom?
He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love. He's not sure if she really wants him, or just wants to stop him from being with anyone else.

Connection and security can go together
Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:
1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.
2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.
3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.

Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:
1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.
2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.
3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.

Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?

Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.

Are They Lucky or What!

Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.

Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.

Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner

Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.

Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?

Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.

Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps

Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.

The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check

Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.

Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination





Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.


Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.











copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now I Want You, Now I Don't!

I Please You So You Need To Please Me!

Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.

How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

• Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
• They need to share what they each represent for one another.
• They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
• Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
• Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.