Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6

Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr




The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.

The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."

Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."

"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.

Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."

Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.

Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.

So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr

The results are

• bad feelings all around
• no real exchange of feelings
• masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
• pretense of being the noble one

Breaking the Martyr Cycle

• Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
• The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
• Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
• Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

YOU NEVER COMPLIMENT ME!

It's Just Not Fair!

Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.

I'll Knock Their Socks Off!
“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved. The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.

Compliment is Boomeranged Back

“Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”

Refusal To Allow the Good Stuff In

Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?

1. She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.

2. She would have to let the compliments in, and let them nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.

3. She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.

4. Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.

How Can This Couple Change The Script?

1. Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.

2. Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.

3. When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.

4. Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.

5. She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition

6. She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.

7. Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.












If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.