Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6

Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr




The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.

The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."

Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."

"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.

Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."

Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.

Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.

So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr

The results are

• bad feelings all around
• no real exchange of feelings
• masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
• pretense of being the noble one

Breaking the Martyr Cycle

• Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
• The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
• Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
• Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now I Want You, Now I Don't!

I Please You So You Need To Please Me!

Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.

How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

• Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
• They need to share what they each represent for one another.
• They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
• Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
• Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.

Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.

The power game for Martin

· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.

· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.

· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.

· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.

· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.

Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest

1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?

2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.

3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.

4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.








Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.










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Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

I Don't Buy That Story

Tim heard Josie's key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink.

"Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with passing notes to Al her team leader while sharing meaningful glances.

"Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated.

She's Following The Wrong Script

This wasn't the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie's lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn't give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

Demands For Sticking To The Right Script

" What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations. Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

The Story Line Is Ruined
Tim's drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Reading From Different Scripts
Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim's prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn't Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Co-create The Drama For The Most Satisfying Relationship
Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising.

A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.