Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten

Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection






Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!

Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.

Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."

"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."

" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"

Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.

From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.

Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.

Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to

• Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
• Be compassionate with himself
• Allow himself to make mistakes
• Like himself even when he messes up

Second Duane needs to

• Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
• Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
• Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.

Adele needs to

• Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
• Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
• Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other

As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Is Sex In Your Relationship Really About Sex?

Who wants to be treated like a dumpster?

Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

What if I’m Not Attractive To My Wife?

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Avoiding The Confrontation

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter.

Criticism Turns Off The Sexual Tap

“ Are you feeling okay?” Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

“ I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

“ It comes up every time I try to make love to you.” Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

“ I can’t help it if I’m tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep.” Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

“ What am I doing wrong? I worry that I’m not attractive to you any longer.” Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

“ You just don’t get it do you? You criticize me if I’m tired, or if I go away for work . If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn’t exactly make me feel like having sex with you.” Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre’s head.

“ I don’t mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What’s the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates.” Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Feeling Unwanted and Unattractive
Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.
Is Sex Really Sex, Or Managing Boundaries?

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

You Tear Down the Walls, I Put Them Back Up
Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don’t have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stressed of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.







copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.


Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.











copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

YOU NEVER COMPLIMENT ME!

It's Just Not Fair!

Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.

I'll Knock Their Socks Off!
“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved. The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.

Compliment is Boomeranged Back

“Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”

Refusal To Allow the Good Stuff In

Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?

1. She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.

2. She would have to let the compliments in, and let them nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.

3. She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.

4. Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.

How Can This Couple Change The Script?

1. Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.

2. Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.

3. When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.

4. Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.

5. She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition

6. She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.

7. Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.












If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.