Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.
“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”
“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”
“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.
“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.
Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?
Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.
Bridget’s attempts at creating safety
Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.
Russ’s attempts at creating safety
Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.
Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.
Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.
Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.
Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear
He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.
How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?
1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.
2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.
3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.
4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.
copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
