Making the Most of the Holidays
Clay was determined to enjoy the holidays despite the fact that he couldn't travel to be with his mother and sister. He made sure that Linda and the baby wanted for nothing. He was looking forward to sharing the joy of giving and receiving gifts with his son, his wife and her family and all his friends.
Linda Thinks She's Second Best
Linda was not so sure that Clay would be as happy with her and the baby as he would have been with his mother and sister. She had a nagging doubt that he would pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. She was so consumed with worry that she was second best and not up to scratch that she kept dropping little hints. " I guess the turkey wasn't like your mother's!" or sorry the mp3 player I gave you isn't as good a present as the iphone your sister got for you!"
The Challenge Was On
Reassuring Linda didn't seem to work. The more Clay tried to tell Linda he was fine, the more she goaded him. It's as if she wanted to prove she wasn't able to give Clay the holiday he deserved. She was challenging him to make comparisons that were not in her favor. Clay got so frustrated that he burst out " You know what? You are making a nice day into a rotten one. If you really want me to think I'd be better off with my mother, you are doing a great job in getting me to that place!"
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
All the efforts that Clay made to create new memories and start a fresh holiday tradition didn't feel real to Linda. She couldn't believe that he could give up his old memories and make equally good if not better ones with her. So she poked him until he responded in a way that was familiar to her. Now she didn't have to worry anymore, her prediction had come true.
Self-sabotage
Linda had sabotaged her chances of discovering that she was worth being with, and was just as good if not better than Clay's family members.
Speaking In Tongues Hides Real Fears
Linda's needling of Clay was code for something she couldn't say upfront. She couldn't express how insecure she felt, and how scared she was of failing her husband and perhaps losing him. So she drove him to behave in exactly the way she dreaded most.
Do you find yourself or your partner doing the same thing - fulfilling your worst nightmares? Perhaps the relief of something predictable is better than the uncertainty. Linda closes doors to feel safe. What do you do to feel safe?
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Is Sex In Your Relationship Really About Sex?
Who wants to be treated like a dumpster?
Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.
What if I’m Not Attractive To My Wife?
Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
Avoiding The Confrontation
Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter.
Criticism Turns Off The Sexual Tap
“ Are you feeling okay?” Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.
“ I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.
“ It comes up every time I try to make love to you.” Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.
“ I can’t help it if I’m tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep.” Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.
“ What am I doing wrong? I worry that I’m not attractive to you any longer.” Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.
“ You just don’t get it do you? You criticize me if I’m tired, or if I go away for work . If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn’t exactly make me feel like having sex with you.” Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre’s head.
“ I don’t mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What’s the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates.” Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.
Feeling Unwanted and Unattractive
Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.
Is Sex Really Sex, Or Managing Boundaries?
The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.
You Tear Down the Walls, I Put Them Back Up
Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don’t have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stressed of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.
What if I’m Not Attractive To My Wife?
Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
Avoiding The Confrontation
Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter.
Criticism Turns Off The Sexual Tap
“ Are you feeling okay?” Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.
“ I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.
“ It comes up every time I try to make love to you.” Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.
“ I can’t help it if I’m tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep.” Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.
“ What am I doing wrong? I worry that I’m not attractive to you any longer.” Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.
“ You just don’t get it do you? You criticize me if I’m tired, or if I go away for work . If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn’t exactly make me feel like having sex with you.” Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre’s head.
“ I don’t mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What’s the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates.” Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.
Feeling Unwanted and Unattractive
Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.
Is Sex Really Sex, Or Managing Boundaries?
The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.
You Tear Down the Walls, I Put Them Back Up
Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don’t have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stressed of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Monday, October 13, 2008
You listen to everyone else but me!
The stinging rebuke
Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.
You listen to everyone else but me!
“ I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won’t have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing.” Barry commented as he got ready for bed.
“ I’ve been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth.” Valerie huffed getting under the covers.
Defense and counter attack
“ It’s not true. You are just hypersensitive,” snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.
Valerie pushed Barry’s hand away and let him have it. “ You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing.”
A recipe for a perfect misunderstanding
“ You are making a big deal out of nothing! You’ve never said anything before? What’s got into you? Are your hormones playing up?” Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.
“ I don’t know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don’t take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?” Valerie pleaded.
Tug of war
Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone on their own planets, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.
Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.
Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.
Breaking the impasse
Valerie and Barry are lonely, and feeling misunderstood. They don’t have to stay there. A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique planet, and the third is the marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.
Respecting Valerie as an intelligent contributor is the best way of inviting her to join Barry on the marital planet. Keeping the door unlocked is Valerie’s most effective strategy for welcoming Barry onto their joint planet. The foundation they create together will be the most reliable security net for them both.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.
You listen to everyone else but me!
“ I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won’t have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing.” Barry commented as he got ready for bed.
“ I’ve been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth.” Valerie huffed getting under the covers.
Defense and counter attack
“ It’s not true. You are just hypersensitive,” snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.
Valerie pushed Barry’s hand away and let him have it. “ You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing.”
A recipe for a perfect misunderstanding
“ You are making a big deal out of nothing! You’ve never said anything before? What’s got into you? Are your hormones playing up?” Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.
“ I don’t know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don’t take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?” Valerie pleaded.
Tug of war
Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone on their own planets, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.
Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.
Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.
Breaking the impasse
Valerie and Barry are lonely, and feeling misunderstood. They don’t have to stay there. A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique planet, and the third is the marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.
Respecting Valerie as an intelligent contributor is the best way of inviting her to join Barry on the marital planet. Keeping the door unlocked is Valerie’s most effective strategy for welcoming Barry onto their joint planet. The foundation they create together will be the most reliable security net for them both.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!
It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.
“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”
“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”
“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.
“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.
Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?
Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.
Bridget’s attempts at creating safety
Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.
Russ’s attempts at creating safety
Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.
Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.
Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.
Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.
Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear
He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.
How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?
1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.
2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.
3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.
4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.
copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.
“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”
“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”
“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.
“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.
Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?
Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.
Bridget’s attempts at creating safety
Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.
Russ’s attempts at creating safety
Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.
Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.
Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.
Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.
Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear
He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.
How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?
1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.
2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.
3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.
4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.
copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Now I Want You, Now I Don't!
I Please You So You Need To Please Me!
Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.
How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!
Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.
Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.
Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.
How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!
Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.
Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.
Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.
Changing The Rhythm Of Desire
- Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
- They need to share what they each represent for one another.
- They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
- Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
- Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!
You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?
Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.
" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.
" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.
The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.
" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.
Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.
The power game for Martin
· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.
· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.
· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.
The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.
· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.
· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.
Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest
1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?
2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.
3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.
4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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