How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Why do you keep the good stuff to yourself and only share the bad moods!

A comforting wife made Noam glad he was married
Noam’s cell phone vibrated as he woke up next to his wife in the vacation hotel room. The text message told him that his best friend had been fatally injured in a car accident. Trudy consoled her husband and made allowances for his bad mood for the rest of the vacation and the first week back at home. She comforted him and eased his guilt about not visiting his friend just before the vacation.! Noam shared his grief, frustration and unsettled feelings with Trudy, lapping up her interest, care and concern.

Noam doesn't need Trudy when he's doing good
A few weeks later Noam came home from work in a good mood. He had just got a managerial position with more money. He told Trudy and then buried himself in the television. Trudy congratulated him and wanted to know more. She sat by him and asked questions trying to share in the experience.

“ I already told you! I got the promotion and I’m glad they finally see how hard I’ve been working.” Noam responded, not taking his eyes of the screen.

“ You must be feeling so proud of yourself. What’s it going to be like to be the boss over some of your friends?” Trudy asked as she celebrated his achievement.

“ Fine. I’m watching the game right now. What’s for dinner?” Noam replied cutting Trudy off.

Trudy felt rebuffed and went back into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She felt pushed out and excluded. It hurt that he didn’t want to enjoy his good news with her.

Noam wants to keep his good feelings all to himself
Noam wanted to hang onto his good feelings for as long as he could. He wanted them all for himself. Trudy’s excitement and probing made him feel like she wanted to rob him of his accomplishments. It was as if she wanted to own some of it and that would make him feel less proud. So he kept her at bay. He wanted a pat on the back and nothing more. He didn’t want to take a chance with her coming into his good stuff and tainting it with her prints. If he let her share it, she would spoil the purity of the experience.

Noam wants sympathy but Trudy keeps her distance
A couple of days later Noam’s car battery gave out and he had the inconvenience of calling for roadside assistance. He whined and complained about it when he got home looking for Trudy to fuss over him and pour out words of sympathy. His wall was almost all the way down, but she didn’t want to go in.

“So you were a bit late for work, no big deal!” she said not wanting this topic to linger on.

“That’s just what I needed to hear! The only time I can count on you is when I’m a wreck. That’s the only time you come through for me. I’m sick of having to be so low before you act like you care!” Noam stormed off.

Trudy gives up on staying close to Noam
Noam only feels safe putting his guard down when he is desperately sad, scared and lost. When he is in that low place he lets Trudy in and they connect in a good way, making them stronger as a team. But when Noam feels good, proud, and able to manage by himself, he puts the wall up and only allow Trudy to watch from afar. She is expected to pin a medal on his chest and then withdraw. No wonder she just gives up.

Bummer for Trudy and bummer for Noam. Trudy wants to be close to Noam all the time but he is too scared to let her in unless he is in a bad, bad way. Noam wants to be close to Trudy all the time but she doesn’t always feel welcome and keeps her distance after getting burned.

Lowering the wall enough to feel close rather than fearful of being robbed
Trudy needs to show Noam how he pushes her out when he is feeling good. - every single time he does it. That will nudge Noam into doing a reality check on his fear that his perfect moment is going to be taken away. Noam will eventually realize that rather than his bubble bursting, the bubble is bigger and lasts longer. As he feels safer, Trudy will feel more invited and more willing to be the partner he expects and that she wants to be.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?

Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?

Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?

Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.

Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together

He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.

Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?

If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.

In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.

Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!

1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!

2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.

3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.

4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do You Feel Invisible When Your Partner is Busy?

Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?
Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn’t want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.

Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn’t really want to. He wasn’t going to second guess her motives.

Roxy wants to be the important one
The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at reading her feelings. She didn’t want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom’s attention.

“Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?” Tom enquired.

“ I saw you guys yapping away. It didn’t seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn’t bother” replied Roxy in a defeated tone.

“ Why can’t you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!” Tom hit back.

“ I don’t feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don’t have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me.” Roxy bared her soul.

“Tomorrow I’m all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me” consoled Tom.

The tables are turned
The next day Tom followed Roxy’s agenda. But Roxy was busy texting her friends, checking her e-mail and answering calls from colleagues and clients. It was as if he weren’t there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.

How come Roxy ignores Tom when she’s got his attention?
When Tom is with her Roxy doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. She doesn’t have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.

Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn’t the top priority in Roxy’s mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?

What’s going on with Roxy?
If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming the top spot in his mind.

What’s going on with Tom?
He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love. He's not sure if she really wants him, or just wants to stop him from being with anyone else.

Connection and security can go together
Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:
1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.
2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.
3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.

Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:
1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.
2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.
3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.

Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?

Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.

Are They Lucky or What!

Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.

Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.

Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner

Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.

Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?

Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.

Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps

Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.

The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check

Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.

Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten

Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection






Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!

Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.

Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."

"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."

" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"

Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.

From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.

Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.

Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to

• Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
• Be compassionate with himself
• Allow himself to make mistakes
• Like himself even when he messes up

Second Duane needs to

• Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
• Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
• Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.

Adele needs to

• Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
• Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
• Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other

As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.