Is Sex In Your Relationship Really About Sex?

Who wants to be treated like a dumpster?

Shantal’s relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre’s face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

What if I’m Not Attractive To My Wife?

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage. That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn’t want to cheat, and he couldn’t tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Avoiding The Confrontation

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter.

Criticism Turns Off The Sexual Tap

“ Are you feeling okay?” Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

“ I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

“ It comes up every time I try to make love to you.” Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

“ I can’t help it if I’m tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep.” Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

“ What am I doing wrong? I worry that I’m not attractive to you any longer.” Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

“ You just don’t get it do you? You criticize me if I’m tired, or if I go away for work . If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn’t exactly make me feel like having sex with you.” Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre’s head.

“ I don’t mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What’s the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates.” Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Feeling Unwanted and Unattractive
Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.
Is Sex Really Sex, Or Managing Boundaries?

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

You Tear Down the Walls, I Put Them Back Up
Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don’t have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stressed of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.







copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You listen to everyone else but me!

The stinging rebuke
Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.

You listen to everyone else but me!
“ I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won’t have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing.” Barry commented as he got ready for bed.

“ I’ve been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth.” Valerie huffed getting under the covers.

Defense and counter attack
“ It’s not true. You are just hypersensitive,” snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.

Valerie pushed Barry’s hand away and let him have it. “ You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing.”

A recipe for a perfect misunderstanding
“ You are making a big deal out of nothing! You’ve never said anything before? What’s got into you? Are your hormones playing up?” Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.

“ I don’t know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don’t take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?” Valerie pleaded.

Tug of war
Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone on their own planets, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.

Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.

Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.

Breaking the impasse
Valerie and Barry are lonely, and feeling misunderstood. They don’t have to stay there. A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique planet, and the third is the marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.

Respecting Valerie as an intelligent contributor is the best way of inviting her to join Barry on the marital planet. Keeping the door unlocked is Valerie’s most effective strategy for welcoming Barry onto their joint planet. The foundation they create together will be the most reliable security net for them both.







copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.