Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?
Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.
Are They Lucky or What!
Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.
Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.
Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner
Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.
Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?
Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.
Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps
Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.
The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check
Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.
Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.
