Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?
Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?
Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.
Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together
He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.
Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?
If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.
In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.
Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!
1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!
2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.
3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.
4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
