Just as the wedding plans were being finalized Neville’s fiance broke off the relationship- for the third time!
He couldn’t believe it. He had been there through thick and thin, including seeing Sheila through her bouts of anxiety and depression. He made allowances for her during these times, and tolerated Sheila’s mother trying to compete with him for the role of ‘chief caretaker.’
No matter how patient he was or how many allowances he made, at the end of the day he felt dumped. Just as he was looking forward to looking for a house and planning the details of the wedding Sheila backed out saying she couldn’t go through with it. She wasn’t ready. She was very sorry, especially as this was a repeat of what had happened before, but it wasn’t going to work out.
Neville was shocked, angry, disappointed and living in terror
Neville was in shock. This was the closest he had ever gotten to tying the knot with someone he was nuts about, and it all fell apart. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find that magic that his parents seemed to have and that he was desperately wanting to capture? Amid the fear that he was going to miss the boat, Neville felt angry, disappointed and terrified. The mix of feelings was overwhelming and paralyzed him for a while.
Neville was shocked that he wasn't able to control his life
The shock came from discovering that no matter how good, kind, understanding and patient he was, he couldn’t make things happen the way he wanted and expected. Healthy intimate relationships were just never going to come his way.
Neville was angry that he allowed himself to believe and hope
The anger came from being strung along, for his hopes to have been raised again only to be dashed and crushed. He was also angry at himself for believing Sheila would be different third time around. He was furious that he had allowed his dreams and hopes to blind him to Sheila’s problems in committing to this or any other relationship.
Neville was in shock. This was the closest he had ever gotten to tying the knot with someone he was nuts about, and it all fell apart. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find that magic that his parents seemed to have and that he was desperately wanting to capture? Amid the fear that he was going to miss the boat, Neville felt angry, disappointed and terrified. The mix of feelings was overwhelming and paralyzed him for a while.
Neville was shocked that he wasn't able to control his life
The shock came from discovering that no matter how good, kind, understanding and patient he was, he couldn’t make things happen the way he wanted and expected. Healthy intimate relationships were just never going to come his way.
Neville was angry that he allowed himself to believe and hope
The anger came from being strung along, for his hopes to have been raised again only to be dashed and crushed. He was also angry at himself for believing Sheila would be different third time around. He was furious that he had allowed his dreams and hopes to blind him to Sheila’s problems in committing to this or any other relationship.
Neville was disappointed that he wasn't going to have a copy of his parents' marriage
The disappointment came from a history of never finding the right woman, and if it seemed like he had, he would be jilted. Neville longed to be like his dad, lovingly taken care of by his wife. Neville wanted to be the center of a woman’s universe, just like his father was to his mother. Neville wanted never to have to worry about his wife having competing interests. He wanted to be able to enjoy his job and his hobbies while secure in the knowledge that any wife of his would be just like his mother, totally devoted to her husband. He wanted their kind of intimacy.
Neville was terrified that he'd always be attracted to the wrong women
The terror came from a sense of foreboding that he was never going to fall for a good women like his mother. He had dated other women who were reliable, kind, supportive and adoring. Those women didn’t keep his attention. He enjoyed being adored for a while but felt no pull or attraction. He ended those relationships without much feeling, but remained terrified that he wouldn’t find someone who had both the caring qualities of his mother and the addictive qualities of Sheila. It was her total absorption in him one minute and her detachment the next that tantalized him and made him try harder. He wanted the absorption to last for ever, like his parents marriage seemed to portray.
Neville was terrified that he'd always be attracted to the wrong women
The terror came from a sense of foreboding that he was never going to fall for a good women like his mother. He had dated other women who were reliable, kind, supportive and adoring. Those women didn’t keep his attention. He enjoyed being adored for a while but felt no pull or attraction. He ended those relationships without much feeling, but remained terrified that he wouldn’t find someone who had both the caring qualities of his mother and the addictive qualities of Sheila. It was her total absorption in him one minute and her detachment the next that tantalized him and made him try harder. He wanted the absorption to last for ever, like his parents marriage seemed to portray.
Can Neville be attracted to good women and have the relationship he craves?
Neville was caught in a trap. The trap was wanting to recreate and relive his parents marriage, instead of building a unique one of his own. Anything that differed from the rosy picture he had of his parent’s relationship felt inadequate and unsatisfying. Nothing in the real world ever matched up to his ideal, and Neville was left feeling angry and hopeless.
Neville’s attempt to superimpose what he believed to be the perfect marriage on all other relationships made him unavailable to those women who did care for him and were willing to commit to him. His insistence on turning his relationship with Sheila into a replica of his parents marriage made her withdraw, since she was being asked to be Neville’s mother, not be herself.
Neville was caught in a trap. The trap was wanting to recreate and relive his parents marriage, instead of building a unique one of his own. Anything that differed from the rosy picture he had of his parent’s relationship felt inadequate and unsatisfying. Nothing in the real world ever matched up to his ideal, and Neville was left feeling angry and hopeless.
Neville’s attempt to superimpose what he believed to be the perfect marriage on all other relationships made him unavailable to those women who did care for him and were willing to commit to him. His insistence on turning his relationship with Sheila into a replica of his parents marriage made her withdraw, since she was being asked to be Neville’s mother, not be herself.
Will Neville break through his bubble and have a real relationship or is he doomed to wanting something that belongs to his parents?
Neville’s hurt, anger terror and disappointment can be useful to him if he allows it to help him break through the bubble he wants a future wife to live in with him. He is capable of creating his own unique relationship that can grow and develop rather than borrow that of his parents and preserve it like an Egyptian mummy. Neville doesn’t have to feel like he is betraying his parents if he has a life that differs from that of his parents. Nor does he have to give up feeling loved and cared for if it comes in a package that looks different from his mother.
Separating himself from his parents will help Neville be his own man, and allow a woman in his life to be her own person. Opening the door for love and commitment to come in many different but equally meaningful ways can free Neville from his emotional trap. Together they can create a strong, healthy relationship full of energy, hope and vitality.
Separating himself from his parents will help Neville be his own man, and allow a woman in his life to be her own person. Opening the door for love and commitment to come in many different but equally meaningful ways can free Neville from his emotional trap. Together they can create a strong, healthy relationship full of energy, hope and vitality.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010
