Cheryl booked a vacation for herself and her husband Lee. She did the planning and paid for it. She imagined he would be thrilled since he was longing to get away with her and have a break from his demanding job. He was paying off large credit card debts and wasn’t able to afford vacations. Cheryl broke the exciting news two weeks before the departure hoping to surprise him.
Why Wasn't I Consulted?
Lee blew up at her. He felt insulted that he wasn’t consulted or asked to participate in the planning. He resented Cheryl for paying for the trip and wondered what the hidden strings would be. He didn’t like to depend on anyone and he certainly didn’t want his wife to pay for him.
Both Lee and Cheryl felt like they had been hit by a bolt of lightning. What started out as a potentially helpful and generous act became sour. Both felt unheard, unseen and wounded. So what went wrong?
Cheryl’s view point - Cheryl wanted Lee to hurry and be debt free so they could begin considering having a family, house, and annual vacations. She wanted to be proactive in this role and thought that her generosity would make Lee feel cared for and understood. She further thought it would encourage him to pay off his debt faster.
Cheryl’s expectations: She expected him to be pleased, grateful and make strides towards paying off his debt as a result. She wanted to pull him to be into her time line for their future lives.
Lee’s viewpoint - Lee was a fiercely independent person. He hated being obligated and felt that he had no choice in the matter when Cheryl made the announcement of the impending vacation with the added sting in the tail - ” so now you can pay your debt off sooner!” He saw this as a precondition of having the vacation and experienced his control being robbed from him. The vacation was not a gift but an insult.
What were their expectations and what went wrong? How can it be changed?
Lee’s expectations: He expected that he would be consulted about planning and paying for a vacation. He expected that he would have a say in what his contribution would be and that he could decide how he wanted to spend his money. He expected that Cheryl would have enough faith and trust in him regarding his debt repayments. He expected that if she really wanted to help him with the burden she would consult with him and they would jointly make an action plan.
Cheryl’s wounded response- when Lee was angry and far from grateful, Cheryl was flabbergasted. She felt slapped in the face and pushed aside. She felt Lee didn’t want her help and resented the time and effort she had put into this scheme. She felt disinclined to reach out and find common ground. She retaliated with hurt pride and anger.
Lee’s wounded response - Cheryl’s unilateral acts made Lee feel undermined and demeaned as a partner. He felt manipulated and controlled, so he reacted by retreating from Cheryl. He felt that his individuality was at stake. If he didn’t fall in with Cheryl’s time lines and visions for the future the entire relationship was threatened. He became even more determined to be independent. He became more suspicious of Cheryl’s so called helpful actions.
Lessons to learn -
1. If you are irritated by your partner’s behavior
- talk about that specific behavior with them.
- Don’t disguise your irritation by wrapping it up with a gift so that they are then “guilted” into changing that behavior.
- Ask yourself why? Do you think it will end in a row?
- Will it be unresolved or are you afraid you won’t get the result you want?
- When one partner wants the other to be more like them, and the other is fighting to stay unique both feel alone, hurt and misunderstood.
- Ask what you can do to be of greatest value.
- Don’t assume that your ideas will be seen as useful.
- Find out what would really be appreciated and negotiate ways in which it could be implemented to honor the places you both find yourselves in.
- If you want help ask for it in ways that show you are inviting and welcoming of participation.
- Don’t just get mad when help is offered that isn’t to your liking. Give your partner a clearer picture of what kind of help would be appreciated without you feeling controlled.
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