It's Just Not Fair!
Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.
I'll Knock Their Socks Off!
“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved. The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.
Compliment is Boomeranged Back
“Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”
Refusal To Allow the Good Stuff In
Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?
1. She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.
2. She would have to let the compliments in, and let them nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.
3. She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.
4. Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.
How Can This Couple Change The Script?
1. Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.
2. Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.
3. When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.
4. Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.
5. She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition
6. She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.
7. Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.
If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.
copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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