You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?
Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.
" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.
" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.
The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.
" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.
Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.
The power game for Martin
· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.
· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.
· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.
The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.
· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.
· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.
Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest
1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?
2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.
3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.
4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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