Stop Competing with Your Partner and Begin Taking Care of Each Other

Anger was Terrance's only weapon against a perceived attack
Terrence felt his head throb with anger. His jaw tightened and he ground his teeth to try and control his fury. He wanted to tear up the list of schools and throw it at his wife. He felt attacked and wanted to hit back in a way that stopped her from speaking about his future ever again.

Cameron had found several health and  fitness schools where her husband could enroll and become a personal fitness trainer. That was Terrence’s dream. He wanted to own his own studio some day and enjoy being his own boss. Cameron imagined his smile as she gave him the information, and felt warm about their marriage.

 “ Why do you always have to bring up work and the money situation when I’m tired and drained?” Terrence responded angrily  to Cameron’s offer and encouragement.

“ You’re always talking about your dream and your wish to earn more money so we could have a better life. You never do anything about it, but talk. At least I got off my backside and found you some schools in the area! Why are you so angry about that?” Cameron hit back.

Anger rescued Terrance from the shame that overwhelmed him
Terrence’s anger was a powerful defensive move against the offensive tactics in his wife’s behavior. He needed to defend himself from the image staring at him in the mirror his wife had just put in front of him. He had to smash the mirror so that:

• He didn’t feel the shame of talking the talk and not doing the walk.
• He didn’t feel the fear it aroused, nor the paralysis it caused.
• He didn’t feel the desperate need  to be taken care of by his wife.
• He didn’t have to admit that he was just like his father - earning less than his wife, needing her, yet resenting her for being the bread winner.

Anger was the only way Terrance accessed his power
Getting angry made him feel strong and righteous. Terrence sidestepped the implications of his fear, shame and neediness which in his eyes made him a wimp. Better to be angry and accuse his wife of pushing him to do things at the wrong time. Focusing on her meant the heat was off him.

Cameron's anger built up as she felt burdened with family duties
Cameron felt hurt and slapped in the face for doing something she hoped would please her husband and motivate him to act on fulfilling his dream. She was also getting increasingly fearful of having to be the main earner while raising a family and never being released from that responsibility. That’s when her irritation with Terrence turned into rage. Her anger burst out in waves, as she yelled back at Terrence.

“I’m tired of your excuses. It’s never a good time for you. I’m fed up with having to pay the lion’s share of the bills and worry about how you feel about it. I  have to take care of everything around here and it’s wearing me down. You better get your act together and do something, because I’m not sure if I can handle this any more.” Cameron retaliated with anger and frustration as she laid it on the line.

 

  

• Anger drove a wedge between Terrence and Cameron.
• Anger made them both feel powerful in their respective shoes.
• Anger covered up the gaping hole in their relationship through which neither of them wanted to face.
• Anger was the stop gap emotion that obscured the need to negotiate their relationship expectations on more honest grounds. 

Terrance and Cameron are both terrified of their need for each other
Cameron and Terrence have one thing in common that they can use to write a script for their marriage that honors both their need and expectations.

• They are both scared to death.
• They are both terrified and panicked about ‘neediness.’ 

Terrance's anger covers up his longing to be taken care of
Terrence is afraid to admit how much he wants to be taken care of and depend on his wife. So he talks about being a fitness trainer to give himself a shot in the arm. He has no intention of ever reaching for it because it is a way of denying his neediness, not a genuine goal.

Cameron's anger protects against her fear of being let down
Cameron is scared of wanting to depend on her spouse in case he lets her down. So far he is giving her every sign that she is right to worry about allowing herself to even consider it. She yearns for her husband to be the one to keep his word and be  a  reliable care taker - unlike her father who  always promised to be there and never was.

Anger changed to mutual support when mutual neediness was accepted
Making a commitment to couples therapy helped Cameron and Terrence deal with the anger that was camouflaging their underlying fears of neediness. In therapy they got in touch with the fear of wanting to be taken care of but not being able to rely on each other. They empathized with each other and found ways to connect that made them more willing to be mutual care takers. When they notice the anger coming on strong, they are now able to use it as an alert that their core need for caretaking requires expression and attention.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

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Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten

Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection






Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!

Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.

Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."

"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."

" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"

Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.

From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.

Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.

Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to

• Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
• Be compassionate with himself
• Allow himself to make mistakes
• Like himself even when he messes up

Second Duane needs to

• Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
• Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
• Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.

Adele needs to

• Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
• Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
• Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other

As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination





Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6

Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr




The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.

The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."

Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."

"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.

Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."

Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.

Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.

So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr

The results are

• bad feelings all around
• no real exchange of feelings
• masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
• pretense of being the noble one

Breaking the Martyr Cycle

• Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
• The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
• Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
• Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake 5

Mistake Number 5- Preventing Your Partner From Growing





Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.

The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:

A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '

The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.

" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.

" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.

"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."

Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.

WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?

• Sela can follow her heart and do the class, risking Danny's jealousies and fears.
• Sela can choose to avoid confrontation and deny herself what she is entitled to.

Do either of these seem like possible ways out of this problem? What do you think?

What if?

If Sela gives in she will resent Danny and their relationship will rot and fester and tear and disintegrate. Anger and resentment will ruin their bonds.

If Sela does what she wants, Danny will become more paranoid about losing her and start imagining the worst scenario's possible, driving her mad and pushing her away.

Either way they are doomed.

Soloution: Danny can allow himself to grow too. He can take up a new hobby or get more involved with his children. He can also show an interest in Sela's photography and become a part of that so that he doesn't feel left out. Including himself means he can tolerate her growth and grow with her, rather than strangling her dreams and with it their marriage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes For Couples to Avoid - Mistake 4

Mistake Number 4 - Treat Each Other With Contempt

Rupert drove Estelle to her brother's party in a foul mood. She could hardly bear to be near him, and kept making snide comments about his driving.

" You drive like teenager with a new toy! Grow up for heaven's sake!" Estelle said in a demeaning tone.

" Well look at you! You're a middle aged woman dressed up like some has been trying to make herself look like a hot chick! Rupert gave as good as he got.

Number One Predictor of Divorce
Research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is exchanging condemnation between couples. The fabric of the relationship is torn apart. There is no respect, care or concern for each other's feelings, only a need to score points and feel superior. Tearing your partner down, means you also tear down the marriage. That leaves both parties feeling unsafe. They are either bracing themselves for an onslaught or they are getting ready to deliver a blow. Either way they are not available to listen or care.


Five Ways to Avoid The Trap

• Acknowledge the anger your partner has without getting defensive.
• Ask what the anger is about.
• Make the relationship safe again so that a caring dialogue can occur.
• Use your right to clear up any misunderstandings
• Find a common thread that can create a sense of togetherness

Resources
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Three

Mistake Number 3 -Thinking and Feeling For Your Partner




Connie Imagines The Worst
The pregnancy test proved positive. Connie's heart sank. How could she tell Mario? He would just flip out. He didn't want kids just yet. He would feel tricked and manipulated. He would find Connie unattractive. He would be angry with her. He would despise her. He wouldn't want to have anymore to do with her. He would find someone else. He would leave her.

Thinking and Feeling For Mario Makes Connie Feel Stronger
Those racing thoughts that spelled out catastrophe made Connie terrified of talking to Mario. She had already convinced herself of how he would feel, how he would react. In her mind she had put their relationship in a grave.

Fortified with an image of just how it would go, she finally got up the courage to tell Mario the next day. Insulated against the bad reaction she had predicted, she gave him the news.

" I'm a month late, and I think I may be pregnant. I know it's not what you want. I'm not sure how it happened. I suppose you want to leave me, so if you're going to go, do it now!"

Mario Is Mad At Being Treated Like A Puppet
Mario was mad. " You know what, I might just do that! I'm tired of you telling me what I think, how I feel, and what I will do. You expect me to be mean, and then you tell me I'm going to be mean, and set me up for it. Then when I get mad you feel rejected."

Connie Rob's Herself of Loyalty and Commitment
Connie's desperate need for predictability made her write unhappy scenes in her head which she then forced Mario to act out. The result was that she became the ventriloquist to Mario's puppet. She took away his mind, his ability to think and feel for himself. She robbed herself of his intelligence, emotions and empathy for her. She robbed him of the opportunity to offer her support, comfort, loyalty and commitment.

Open Doors and Get The Goodies
Allowing your partner to have their full range of feelings, thoughts and ideas means you value them. It means that you accept them as they are, not who you think they may be. Giving them space and encouraging them to be who they truly are gives them the opportunity to be so much more to you than your imagination can conceive.

Mix and Match Thoughts and Feelings for a Solid Relationship
Be curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Mix and match them with your own, and together you will have a strong resource that belongs to the both of you as a couple. That is a good solid foundation for a lasting relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Resource: Togetherness sporting activities

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake Two

Mistake Number Two - Expecting Your Partner To Be A Mind Reader








The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.

In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.

Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.

Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.

The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.

"What's wrong?" she asked several times.

" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.

Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.

Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.

Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"


Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got

• more immediate understanding
• more sympathy
• more attention
• a greater sense of being loved and cared for
• a boost from feeling valued and important to his partner

Hoping For Your Mind To Be Read Equals Self-Sabotage

By waiting and hoping that somehow Nora would just figure it out by magic, he sabotaged his very reasonable needs.

The Dance of Talking and Sharing Feelings

One measure of connectedness is anticipating each other's needs and preparing to meet them as and when appropriate. However, this type of intimacy doesn't happen overnight, nor is it an automatic part of the deal when two people choose to enter a relationship.

There is also the dance of talking about feelings, thoughts, and everything else that is inside you. Keeping silent and waiting for your partner to guess is the second biggest mistake couples make that leads to the destruction of a relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.










Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Would You Rather Have Boring Predictability or Exciting Uncertainty?

Making the Most of the Holidays
Clay was determined to enjoy the holidays despite the fact that he couldn't travel to be with his mother and sister. He made sure that Linda and the baby wanted for nothing. He was looking forward to sharing the joy of giving and receiving gifts with his son, his wife and her family and all his friends.

Linda Thinks She's Second Best
Linda was not so sure that Clay would be as happy with her and the baby as he would have been with his mother and sister. She had a nagging doubt that he would pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. She was so consumed with worry that she was second best and not up to scratch that she kept dropping little hints. " I guess the turkey wasn't like your mother's!" or sorry the mp3 player I gave you isn't as good a present as the iphone your sister got for you!"

The Challenge Was On
Reassuring Linda didn't seem to work. The more Clay tried to tell Linda he was fine, the more she goaded him. It's as if she wanted to prove she wasn't able to give Clay the holiday he deserved. She was challenging him to make comparisons that were not in her favor. Clay got so frustrated that he burst out " You know what? You are making a nice day into a rotten one. If you really want me to think I'd be better off with my mother, you are doing a great job in getting me to that place!"

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
All the efforts that Clay made to create new memories and start a fresh holiday tradition didn't feel real to Linda. She couldn't believe that he could give up his old memories and make equally good if not better ones with her. So she poked him until he responded in a way that was familiar to her. Now she didn't have to worry anymore, her prediction had come true.

Self-sabotage
Linda had sabotaged her chances of discovering that she was worth being with, and was just as good if not better than Clay's family members.

Speaking In Tongues Hides Real Fears
Linda's needling of Clay was code for something she couldn't say upfront. She couldn't express how insecure she felt, and how scared she was of failing her husband and perhaps losing him. So she drove him to behave in exactly the way she dreaded most.

Do you find yourself or your partner doing the same thing - fulfilling your worst nightmares? Perhaps the relief of something predictable is better than the uncertainty. Linda closes doors to feel safe. What do you do to feel safe?


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.

Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.

The power game for Martin

· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.

· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.

· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.

· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.

· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.

Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest

1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?

2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.

3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.

4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.








Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.










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Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

I Don't Buy That Story

Tim heard Josie's key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink.

"Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with passing notes to Al her team leader while sharing meaningful glances.

"Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated.

She's Following The Wrong Script

This wasn't the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie's lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn't give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

Demands For Sticking To The Right Script

" What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations. Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

The Story Line Is Ruined
Tim's drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Reading From Different Scripts
Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim's prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn't Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Co-create The Drama For The Most Satisfying Relationship
Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising.

A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.