Would You Rather Have Boring Predictability or Exciting Uncertainty?

Making the Most of the Holidays
Clay was determined to enjoy the holidays despite the fact that he couldn't travel to be with his mother and sister. He made sure that Linda and the baby wanted for nothing. He was looking forward to sharing the joy of giving and receiving gifts with his son, his wife and her family and all his friends.

Linda Thinks She's Second Best
Linda was not so sure that Clay would be as happy with her and the baby as he would have been with his mother and sister. She had a nagging doubt that he would pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. She was so consumed with worry that she was second best and not up to scratch that she kept dropping little hints. " I guess the turkey wasn't like your mother's!" or sorry the mp3 player I gave you isn't as good a present as the iphone your sister got for you!"

The Challenge Was On
Reassuring Linda didn't seem to work. The more Clay tried to tell Linda he was fine, the more she goaded him. It's as if she wanted to prove she wasn't able to give Clay the holiday he deserved. She was challenging him to make comparisons that were not in her favor. Clay got so frustrated that he burst out " You know what? You are making a nice day into a rotten one. If you really want me to think I'd be better off with my mother, you are doing a great job in getting me to that place!"

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
All the efforts that Clay made to create new memories and start a fresh holiday tradition didn't feel real to Linda. She couldn't believe that he could give up his old memories and make equally good if not better ones with her. So she poked him until he responded in a way that was familiar to her. Now she didn't have to worry anymore, her prediction had come true.

Self-sabotage
Linda had sabotaged her chances of discovering that she was worth being with, and was just as good if not better than Clay's family members.

Speaking In Tongues Hides Real Fears
Linda's needling of Clay was code for something she couldn't say upfront. She couldn't express how insecure she felt, and how scared she was of failing her husband and perhaps losing him. So she drove him to behave in exactly the way she dreaded most.

Do you find yourself or your partner doing the same thing - fulfilling your worst nightmares? Perhaps the relief of something predictable is better than the uncertainty. Linda closes doors to feel safe. What do you do to feel safe?


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.