Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!
Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.
Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."
"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."
" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"
Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.
From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.
Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.
Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to
- Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
- Be compassionate with himself
- Allow himself to make mistakes
- Like himself even when he messes up
- Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
- Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
- Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.
- Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
- Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
- Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other
As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
