Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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