Anger was Terrance's only weapon against a perceived attack
Terrence felt his head throb with anger. His jaw tightened and he ground his teeth to try and control his fury. He wanted to tear up the list of schools and throw it at his wife. He felt attacked and wanted to hit back in a way that stopped her from speaking about his future ever again.
Cameron had found several health and fitness schools where her husband could enroll and become a personal fitness trainer. That was Terrence’s dream. He wanted to own his own studio some day and enjoy being his own boss. Cameron imagined his smile as she gave him the information, and felt warm about their marriage.
“ Why do you always have to bring up work and the money situation when I’m tired and drained?” Terrence responded angrily to Cameron’s offer and encouragement.
“ You’re always talking about your dream and your wish to earn more money so we could have a better life. You never do anything about it, but talk. At least I got off my backside and found you some schools in the area! Why are you so angry about that?” Cameron hit back.
Anger rescued Terrance from the shame that overwhelmed him
Terrence’s anger was a powerful defensive move against the offensive tactics in his wife’s behavior. He needed to defend himself from the image staring at him in the mirror his wife had just put in front of him. He had to smash the mirror so that:
- He didn’t feel the shame of talking the talk and not doing the walk.
- He didn’t feel the fear it aroused, nor the paralysis it caused.
- He didn’t feel the desperate need to be taken care of by his wife.
- He didn’t have to admit that he was just like his father - earning less than his wife, needing her, yet resenting her for being the bread winner.
Anger was the only way Terrance accessed his power
Getting angry made him feel strong and righteous. Terrence sidestepped the implications of his fear, shame and neediness which in his eyes made him a wimp. Better to be angry and accuse his wife of pushing him to do things at the wrong time. Focusing on her meant the heat was off him.
Cameron's anger built up as she felt burdened with family duties
Cameron felt hurt and slapped in the face for doing something she hoped would please her husband and motivate him to act on fulfilling his dream. She was also getting increasingly fearful of having to be the main earner while raising a family and never being released from that responsibility. That’s when her irritation with Terrence turned into rage. Her anger burst out in waves, as she yelled back at Terrence.
“I’m tired of your excuses. It’s never a good time for you. I’m fed up with having to pay the lion’s share of the bills and worry about how you feel about it. I have to take care of everything around here and it’s wearing me down. You better get your act together and do something, because I’m not sure if I can handle this any more.” Cameron retaliated with anger and frustration as she laid it on the line.
- Anger drove a wedge between Terrence and Cameron.
- Anger made them both feel powerful in their respective shoes.
- Anger covered up the gaping hole in their relationship through which neither of them wanted to face.
- Anger was the stop gap emotion that obscured the need to negotiate their relationship expectations on more honest grounds.
Terrance and Cameron are both terrified of their need for each other
Cameron and Terrence have one thing in common that they can use to write a script for their marriage that honors both their need and expectations.
- They are both scared to death.
- They are both terrified and panicked about ‘neediness.’
Terrance's anger covers up his longing to be taken care of
Terrence is afraid to admit how much he wants to be taken care of and depend on his wife. So he talks about being a fitness trainer to give himself a shot in the arm. He has no intention of ever reaching for it because it is a way of denying his neediness, not a genuine goal.
Cameron's anger protects against her fear of being let down
Cameron is scared of wanting to depend on her spouse in case he lets her down. So far he is giving her every sign that she is right to worry about allowing herself to even consider it. She yearns for her husband to be the one to keep his word and be a reliable care taker - unlike her father who always promised to be there and never was.
Anger changed to mutual support when mutual neediness was accepted
Making a commitment to couples therapy helped Cameron and Terrence deal with the anger that was camouflaging their underlying fears of neediness. In therapy they got in touch with the fear of wanting to be taken care of but not being able to rely on each other. They empathized with each other and found ways to connect that made them more willing to be mutual care takers. When they notice the anger coming on strong, they are now able to use it as an alert that their core need for caretaking requires expression and attention.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010
Get your free report on building healthy relationships.
