Are you attacked in your relationship for trying to help?

An Unselfish Partner Makes Justine Hate Herself
Perry was a good man. He was unselfish and always willing to help ease the burdens on Justine who was very grateful. She knew she was lucky to have him and felt each time she felt frustrated and angry with him. Shame and self-loathing overcame her when she erupted and let him have a piece of her mind.

Perry and Justine both put up walls and block communication

Justine wants Perry to tune into her - Perry wants intellectual understanding
Justine wanted Perry to stand along side her in the moment she was trying to communicate with him about her feelings and needs when she was in a bad place. She wanted comfort, acceptance and understanding.

Perry is scared of being dragged down
Perry was scared that if he went into the feeling place with Justine he would be pulled into a vortex of hopelessness and despair that neither of them would be able to escape. So he tuned out his feelings and focused on solutions to fix Justine’s problems.

Justine and Perry tune each other out and feel alone in their private worlds

Justine feels disconnected and lost

Justine felt abandoned with the intellectual nature of the conversation.

Justine imagined that her longing for comfort and reassurance hadn’t come across.

Justine got anxious and more distressed

Justine tried again, in a more desperate tone.


Perry feels threatened and inadequate

Perry felt even more threatened by the escalation of negative feelings coming from Justine

Perry felt even more scared that Justine’s increased emotion would drag him down

Perry felt inadequate that his initial attempts to fix her problems failed

Perry tried harder coming up with more ideas to pacify her.

Trapped in fear and isolation Perry and Justine try and fail to connect

Perry and Justine get scared that their relationship is falling apart

Justine got more desperate and angry that she wasn’t getting through

Justine escalated her efforts with an even more urgent words and tone

Justine went away defeated, sad and angry that her loved one wasn’t in tune with her

Perry went away defeated, sad and angry that his loved one wasn’t responding to his efforts.



How can Perry and Justine get back on track?

Perry was lost and confused about why his problem solving skills didn’t work

Perry felt hurt and rejected, licked his wounds and went back to his life.

He was giving it his best shot. What else could he do?

Justine was lost and confused as to why Perry didn’t get her need for his understanding

Justine felt hurt and rejected, angry and unloved. She shut down and did as Perry said.

She didn’t know how else to reach out for Perry and share experiences.

All he seemed to want to share were ideas and solutions, not joint experiences and emotions.

Listen to the Audio to find out how Justine and Perry found a happy meeting place



Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.