Relationship Problems Are Made Worse By Insincere Apologies

Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?

Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?

If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.

So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.

Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:

1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”

This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to  preempt an angry assault from you.  Taking the blame means your partner  can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.

Outcome: you are being given  a message  to hurry up and feel good already,  so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.

Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.

Your partner may make this apology instead:

 2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”

These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.

Outcome:  you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.

What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.

Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.

Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.

Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:

3. “I can see that I have hurt you.  Please tell me how you feel. I  really want to  understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly.  I’m ready and interested  to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”

Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.

Outcome:   the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.


Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings.  Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.


Read about the other 7 fake apologies

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.










Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

I Don't Buy That Story

Tim heard Josie's key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink.

"Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with passing notes to Al her team leader while sharing meaningful glances.

"Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated.

She's Following The Wrong Script

This wasn't the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie's lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn't give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

Demands For Sticking To The Right Script

" What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations. Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

The Story Line Is Ruined
Tim's drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Reading From Different Scripts
Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim's prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn't Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Co-create The Drama For The Most Satisfying Relationship
Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising.

A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.