Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

• Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
  

• Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
  
  
• Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.










Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.