Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination





Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

• Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
  

• Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
  
  
• Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes For Couples to Avoid - Mistake 4

Mistake Number 4 - Treat Each Other With Contempt

Rupert drove Estelle to her brother's party in a foul mood. She could hardly bear to be near him, and kept making snide comments about his driving.

" You drive like teenager with a new toy! Grow up for heaven's sake!" Estelle said in a demeaning tone.

" Well look at you! You're a middle aged woman dressed up like some has been trying to make herself look like a hot chick! Rupert gave as good as he got.

Number One Predictor of Divorce
Research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is exchanging condemnation between couples. The fabric of the relationship is torn apart. There is no respect, care or concern for each other's feelings, only a need to score points and feel superior. Tearing your partner down, means you also tear down the marriage. That leaves both parties feeling unsafe. They are either bracing themselves for an onslaught or they are getting ready to deliver a blow. Either way they are not available to listen or care.


Five Ways to Avoid The Trap

• Acknowledge the anger your partner has without getting defensive.
• Ask what the anger is about.
• Make the relationship safe again so that a caring dialogue can occur.
• Use your right to clear up any misunderstandings
• Find a common thread that can create a sense of togetherness

Resources
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.










Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.