Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6

Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr




The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.

The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."

Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."

"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.

Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."

Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.

Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.

So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr

The results are

• bad feelings all around
• no real exchange of feelings
• masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
• pretense of being the noble one

Breaking the Martyr Cycle

• Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
• The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
• Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
• Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.