Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said
Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.
“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.
“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.
Hearing Supervisor’s voice
“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.
You Never Tell Me Anything
“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.
Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice
“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.
Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad
Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!
The Good Messages Turn Sour
Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.
Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.
Listening and Hearing In The Moment
Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.
- Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
- Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
- Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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