Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?
Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?
If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.
So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.
Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:
1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”
This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to preempt an angry assault from you. Taking the blame means your partner can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.
Outcome: you are being given a message to hurry up and feel good already, so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.
Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.
Your partner may make this apology instead:
2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”
These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.
Outcome: you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.
What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.
Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.
Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.
Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:
3. “I can see that I have hurt you. Please tell me how you feel. I really want to understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly. I’m ready and interested to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”
Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.
Outcome: the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.
Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings. Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.
Read about the other 7 fake apologies
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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