Healthy relationships involve sharing sadness for deep intimacy.

Ever had that cold scary feeling inside when your partner doesn't get how much you long to feel close?

Does it make you angry and defensive?

All that does is push you further apart.

One way of connecting is through the sadness that you feel when you sense the distance between you and your loved one.


Anger gives you vitality - but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result. But you pay a big price.

• You may feel fully alive and vital.

• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.

• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.

• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

 Improve relationships using mutual sadness as the glue

• Remind yourself that your partner feels just as sad as you when you are wedged apart.

• Sadness at being apart and a desire for closeness is a good bridge to intimacy.

• Talk to one another about your worst fears when you feel judged by one another.

• Have a dialogue through your mutual understanding rather than a battle from a place of defense.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.


Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.











copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.

Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.

The power game for Martin

· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.

· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.

· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.

· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.

· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.

Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest

1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?

2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.

3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.

4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.








Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.










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