Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

• Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
  

• Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
  
  
• Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.


Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.











copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.