Intimacy Reduces Stress

Research indicates that if you have a healthy intimate relationship, you are less likely to suffer from stress.

The protective factors in healthy intimate relationships are huge.

Security with your partner reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) in your body.

Good communication and empathy create security.

The best way to share empathy and 'get' each other is by using the 7 core principles for healthy intimate relationships.

No it isn't just compromising, or being honest. It's much deeper than that.

As a relationship expert with over 65 published articles on the factors that make or break relationships, here is your chance to get my
  free report and tips

copyright. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Problems Are Made Worse By Insincere Apologies

Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?

Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?

If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.

So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.

Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:

1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”

This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to  preempt an angry assault from you.  Taking the blame means your partner  can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.

Outcome: you are being given  a message  to hurry up and feel good already,  so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.

Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.

Your partner may make this apology instead:

 2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”

These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.

Outcome:  you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.

What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.

Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.

Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.

Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:

3. “I can see that I have hurt you.  Please tell me how you feel. I  really want to  understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly.  I’m ready and interested  to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”

Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.

Outcome:   the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.


Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings.  Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.


Read about the other 7 fake apologies

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Healthy relationships involve sharing sadness for deep intimacy.

Ever had that cold scary feeling inside when your partner doesn't get how much you long to feel close?

Does it make you angry and defensive?

All that does is push you further apart.

One way of connecting is through the sadness that you feel when you sense the distance between you and your loved one.


Anger gives you vitality - but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result. But you pay a big price.

• You may feel fully alive and vital.

• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.

• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.

• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

 Improve relationships using mutual sadness as the glue

• Remind yourself that your partner feels just as sad as you when you are wedged apart.

• Sadness at being apart and a desire for closeness is a good bridge to intimacy.

• Talk to one another about your worst fears when you feel judged by one another.

• Have a dialogue through your mutual understanding rather than a battle from a place of defense.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

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Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

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Why do you keep the good stuff to yourself and only share the bad moods!

A comforting wife made Noam glad he was married
Noam’s cell phone vibrated as he woke up next to his wife in the vacation hotel room. The text message told him that his best friend had been fatally injured in a car accident. Trudy consoled her husband and made allowances for his bad mood for the rest of the vacation and the first week back at home. She comforted him and eased his guilt about not visiting his friend just before the vacation.! Noam shared his grief, frustration and unsettled feelings with Trudy, lapping up her interest, care and concern.

Noam doesn't need Trudy when he's doing good
A few weeks later Noam came home from work in a good mood. He had just got a managerial position with more money. He told Trudy and then buried himself in the television. Trudy congratulated him and wanted to know more. She sat by him and asked questions trying to share in the experience.

“ I already told you! I got the promotion and I’m glad they finally see how hard I’ve been working.” Noam responded, not taking his eyes of the screen.

“ You must be feeling so proud of yourself. What’s it going to be like to be the boss over some of your friends?” Trudy asked as she celebrated his achievement.

“ Fine. I’m watching the game right now. What’s for dinner?” Noam replied cutting Trudy off.

Trudy felt rebuffed and went back into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She felt pushed out and excluded. It hurt that he didn’t want to enjoy his good news with her.

Noam wants to keep his good feelings all to himself
Noam wanted to hang onto his good feelings for as long as he could. He wanted them all for himself. Trudy’s excitement and probing made him feel like she wanted to rob him of his accomplishments. It was as if she wanted to own some of it and that would make him feel less proud. So he kept her at bay. He wanted a pat on the back and nothing more. He didn’t want to take a chance with her coming into his good stuff and tainting it with her prints. If he let her share it, she would spoil the purity of the experience.

Noam wants sympathy but Trudy keeps her distance
A couple of days later Noam’s car battery gave out and he had the inconvenience of calling for roadside assistance. He whined and complained about it when he got home looking for Trudy to fuss over him and pour out words of sympathy. His wall was almost all the way down, but she didn’t want to go in.

“So you were a bit late for work, no big deal!” she said not wanting this topic to linger on.

“That’s just what I needed to hear! The only time I can count on you is when I’m a wreck. That’s the only time you come through for me. I’m sick of having to be so low before you act like you care!” Noam stormed off.

Trudy gives up on staying close to Noam
Noam only feels safe putting his guard down when he is desperately sad, scared and lost. When he is in that low place he lets Trudy in and they connect in a good way, making them stronger as a team. But when Noam feels good, proud, and able to manage by himself, he puts the wall up and only allow Trudy to watch from afar. She is expected to pin a medal on his chest and then withdraw. No wonder she just gives up.

Bummer for Trudy and bummer for Noam. Trudy wants to be close to Noam all the time but he is too scared to let her in unless he is in a bad, bad way. Noam wants to be close to Trudy all the time but she doesn’t always feel welcome and keeps her distance after getting burned.

Lowering the wall enough to feel close rather than fearful of being robbed
Trudy needs to show Noam how he pushes her out when he is feeling good. - every single time he does it. That will nudge Noam into doing a reality check on his fear that his perfect moment is going to be taken away. Noam will eventually realize that rather than his bubble bursting, the bubble is bigger and lasts longer. As he feels safer, Trudy will feel more invited and more willing to be the partner he expects and that she wants to be.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?

Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?

Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?

Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.

Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together

He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.

Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?

If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.

In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.

Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!

1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!

2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.

3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.

4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.