Stop Competing with Your Partner and Begin Taking Care of Each Other

Anger was Terrance's only weapon against a perceived attack
Terrence felt his head throb with anger. His jaw tightened and he ground his teeth to try and control his fury. He wanted to tear up the list of schools and throw it at his wife. He felt attacked and wanted to hit back in a way that stopped her from speaking about his future ever again.

Cameron had found several health and  fitness schools where her husband could enroll and become a personal fitness trainer. That was Terrence’s dream. He wanted to own his own studio some day and enjoy being his own boss. Cameron imagined his smile as she gave him the information, and felt warm about their marriage.

 “ Why do you always have to bring up work and the money situation when I’m tired and drained?” Terrence responded angrily  to Cameron’s offer and encouragement.

“ You’re always talking about your dream and your wish to earn more money so we could have a better life. You never do anything about it, but talk. At least I got off my backside and found you some schools in the area! Why are you so angry about that?” Cameron hit back.

Anger rescued Terrance from the shame that overwhelmed him
Terrence’s anger was a powerful defensive move against the offensive tactics in his wife’s behavior. He needed to defend himself from the image staring at him in the mirror his wife had just put in front of him. He had to smash the mirror so that:

• He didn’t feel the shame of talking the talk and not doing the walk.
• He didn’t feel the fear it aroused, nor the paralysis it caused.
• He didn’t feel the desperate need  to be taken care of by his wife.
• He didn’t have to admit that he was just like his father - earning less than his wife, needing her, yet resenting her for being the bread winner.

Anger was the only way Terrance accessed his power
Getting angry made him feel strong and righteous. Terrence sidestepped the implications of his fear, shame and neediness which in his eyes made him a wimp. Better to be angry and accuse his wife of pushing him to do things at the wrong time. Focusing on her meant the heat was off him.

Cameron's anger built up as she felt burdened with family duties
Cameron felt hurt and slapped in the face for doing something she hoped would please her husband and motivate him to act on fulfilling his dream. She was also getting increasingly fearful of having to be the main earner while raising a family and never being released from that responsibility. That’s when her irritation with Terrence turned into rage. Her anger burst out in waves, as she yelled back at Terrence.

“I’m tired of your excuses. It’s never a good time for you. I’m fed up with having to pay the lion’s share of the bills and worry about how you feel about it. I  have to take care of everything around here and it’s wearing me down. You better get your act together and do something, because I’m not sure if I can handle this any more.” Cameron retaliated with anger and frustration as she laid it on the line.

 

  

• Anger drove a wedge between Terrence and Cameron.
• Anger made them both feel powerful in their respective shoes.
• Anger covered up the gaping hole in their relationship through which neither of them wanted to face.
• Anger was the stop gap emotion that obscured the need to negotiate their relationship expectations on more honest grounds. 

Terrance and Cameron are both terrified of their need for each other
Cameron and Terrence have one thing in common that they can use to write a script for their marriage that honors both their need and expectations.

• They are both scared to death.
• They are both terrified and panicked about ‘neediness.’ 

Terrance's anger covers up his longing to be taken care of
Terrence is afraid to admit how much he wants to be taken care of and depend on his wife. So he talks about being a fitness trainer to give himself a shot in the arm. He has no intention of ever reaching for it because it is a way of denying his neediness, not a genuine goal.

Cameron's anger protects against her fear of being let down
Cameron is scared of wanting to depend on her spouse in case he lets her down. So far he is giving her every sign that she is right to worry about allowing herself to even consider it. She yearns for her husband to be the one to keep his word and be  a  reliable care taker - unlike her father who  always promised to be there and never was.

Anger changed to mutual support when mutual neediness was accepted
Making a commitment to couples therapy helped Cameron and Terrence deal with the anger that was camouflaging their underlying fears of neediness. In therapy they got in touch with the fear of wanting to be taken care of but not being able to rely on each other. They empathized with each other and found ways to connect that made them more willing to be mutual care takers. When they notice the anger coming on strong, they are now able to use it as an alert that their core need for caretaking requires expression and attention.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Get your free report on building healthy relationships.

Are your relationships doomed because you can't find the right partner?

 

How could Neville’s fiance drop him after everything he had done?

Just as the wedding plans were being finalized Neville’s fiance broke  off  the relationship- for the third time!
 

He couldn’t believe it. He had been there through thick and thin, including seeing Sheila through her bouts of anxiety and depression. He made allowances for her during these times, and tolerated Sheila’s mother trying to compete with him for the role of ‘chief caretaker.’

No matter how patient he was or how many allowances he made, at the end of the day he felt dumped. Just as he was looking forward to looking for a house and planning the details of the wedding  Sheila backed out saying she couldn’t go through with it. She wasn’t ready. She was very sorry, especially as this was a repeat of what had happened before, but it wasn’t going to work out.

Neville was shocked, angry, disappointed and living in terror
Neville was in shock. This was the closest he had ever gotten to tying the knot with someone he was nuts about, and it all fell apart. Would he ever get married? Would he ever find that magic that his parents seemed to have and that he was desperately wanting to capture? Amid the fear that he was going to miss the boat, Neville felt angry, disappointed and terrified. The mix of feelings was overwhelming and paralyzed him for a while.

Neville was shocked that he wasn't able to control his life
The shock came from discovering that no matter how good, kind, understanding and patient he was, he couldn’t make things happen the way he wanted and expected. Healthy intimate relationships were just never going to come his way.

Neville was angry that he allowed himself to believe and hope
The anger came from being strung along, for his hopes to have been raised again only to be dashed  and crushed. He was also angry at himself for believing Sheila would be different third time around. He was furious that he had allowed his dreams and hopes to blind him to Sheila’s problems in committing to this or any other relationship.

Neville was disappointed that he wasn't going to have a copy of his parents' marriage

The disappointment came from a history of never finding the right woman, and if it seemed like he had, he would be jilted. Neville longed to be like his dad, lovingly taken care of by his wife. Neville wanted to be the center of a woman’s universe, just like his father was to his mother. Neville wanted never to have to worry about his wife having competing interests. He wanted to be able to enjoy his job and  his hobbies while secure in the knowledge that any wife of his would be just like his mother, totally devoted to her husband. He wanted their kind of intimacy.

Neville was terrified that he'd always be attracted to the wrong women
The terror came from a sense of foreboding that he was never going to fall for a good women like his mother. He had dated other women who were reliable, kind, supportive and adoring. Those women didn’t keep his attention. He enjoyed being adored for a while but felt no pull or attraction. He ended those relationships without much feeling, but remained terrified that he wouldn’t find someone who had both the caring qualities of his mother and the addictive qualities of Sheila. It was her total absorption in him one minute and her detachment the next that tantalized him and made him try harder. He wanted the absorption to last for ever, like his parents marriage seemed to portray.

Can Neville be attracted to good women and have the relationship he craves?
Neville was caught in a trap. The trap was wanting to recreate and relive his parents marriage, instead of building a unique one of his own.  Anything that differed from the rosy picture he had of his parent’s relationship felt inadequate and unsatisfying. Nothing in the real world ever matched up to his ideal, and Neville was left feeling angry and hopeless.

Neville’s attempt to superimpose what he believed to be the perfect marriage on all other relationships made him unavailable to those women who did care for him and were willing to commit to him. His insistence on turning his relationship with Sheila  into a replica of his parents marriage made her withdraw, since she was being asked to be Neville’s mother, not be herself.

 

Will Neville break through his bubble and have a real relationship or is he doomed to wanting something that belongs to his parents?

Neville’s hurt, anger terror and disappointment can be useful to him if he allows it to help him break through the bubble he wants a future wife to live in with him. He is capable of creating his own unique relationship that can grow and develop rather than borrow that of his parents and preserve it like an Egyptian mummy. Neville doesn’t have to feel like he is betraying his parents if he has a life that differs from that of his parents. Nor does he have to give up feeling loved and cared for if it comes in a package that looks different from his mother.

Separating himself from his parents will help Neville be his own man, and allow a woman in his life to be her own person. Opening the door for love and commitment to come in many different but equally meaningful ways can free Neville from his emotional trap. Together they can create a strong, healthy relationship full of energy, hope and vitality.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Intimacy Reduces Stress

Research indicates that if you have a healthy intimate relationship, you are less likely to suffer from stress.

The protective factors in healthy intimate relationships are huge.

Security with your partner reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) in your body.

Good communication and empathy create security.

The best way to share empathy and 'get' each other is by using the 7 core principles for healthy intimate relationships.

No it isn't just compromising, or being honest. It's much deeper than that.

As a relationship expert with over 65 published articles on the factors that make or break relationships, here is your chance to get my
  free report and tips

copyright. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Problems Are Made Worse By Insincere Apologies

Are you familiar with that empty feeling when your partner apologies to you but it doesn’t feel right?

Do you get annoyed when your anger and hurt is silenced by your partner’s quick and profuse apology?

If so then you are probably detecting a lack of sincerity in the words which could drive you further apart as a couple.

So let’s look at three apologies and discover their true purpose and effect on your couples relationship.

Your partner calls you an idiot for losing the car keys just before you both set off to a concert. Later that night your partner says:

1.“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s my fault.”

This apology from your partner says ‘I’ll take the blame’ - I’ll make you feel better so I don’t feel like a monster for hurting you. These words are an effort to  preempt an angry assault from you.  Taking the blame means your partner  can feel redeemed by owning up to it, even if they don’t feel like it is entirely their fault.

Outcome: you are being given  a message  to hurry up and feel good already,  so your partner can take off the monster costume. Your partner just wants to get it over with. So appeasing you does the trick, at that particular moment. Your partner may take the blame at that time, but disown it later on, leaving you upset, confused and taken advantage of. It makes you even more angry because you can’t go back in time and refuse the apology. It can make you feel duped.

Your relationship gets strained and there is another layer of mistrust weaved into the fabric of the couples communications. Relationship problems get worse and very soon nothing that is said feels genuine.

Your partner may make this apology instead:

 2. “Oh my God, I’m terribly sorry. Oh my God, I didn’t mean for this to happen. You know I’m not really like this. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me!”

These words are a desperate attempt to get instant forgiveness. Your partner can’t bear you to hold a grudge or remember something bad about them. So they try to get you to over look things by pointing out their good side, and how unlike them this act really was. It is a way for your partner to avoid feeling guilty and living in fear of retaliation.

Outcome:  you are being told to forget the whole thing as quickly as possible so that there is no chance of you harboring ill will and taking it out on your partner at some later unpredictable date.
Your partner wants to de-fang you so that they won’t be caught off guard.

What’s going on inside your partner that they can say “I don’t know what came over me.”?
Your partner doesn’t want to believe that there is a bone in their body that could be thoughtless and hurt you. So when you show your pain and anger they have to come face to face with that mean part of themselves. Rather than own up to it and feel ashamed, your partner makes out that some foreign force overtook them and made them do something bad.

Perhaps your partner has been upset with you for some time, not told you about it and then boom! It comes out in a mean way that hurts. Of course they didn’t plan it so it does shock them that you are hurt and angry. They want instant forgiveness from you so they can continue to ignore their issues with you.

Relationship problems get deeper since fear and shame overrule honesty and courage.

Another possible apology your may get from your partner could be something like this:

3. “I can see that I have hurt you.  Please tell me how you feel. I  really want to  understand your feelings. It saddens me to know that I have upset you so badly.  I’m ready and interested  to hear your side of things. I want to listen and see my part in it.”

Can you see the difference in this apology?
This is a genuine and true apology. It comes from a place of empathy. It allows for the possibility that loved ones can make mistakes and appreciate the extent of the impact. These words bring a couple together in way that connect actions and feelings on both sides. In this true apology the one taking responsibility for hurt is able to see and understand both sides simultaneously. There is no frantic attempt to escape, deny the wrong doing or take the blame just to appease the other.

Outcome:   the message to you is that your partner cares about what you feel, wants to understand and take responsibility for the consequences and is interested in your experience. You are being given the right to your feelings, and asked for possible ways of avoiding this negative experience in the future. You both feel invested in the relationship and intimacy grows when both parties share feelings, are open to hearing about the impact they have on one another and growing together from that mutual coming together during that a genuine and true apology facilitates.


Relationship problems crumble when there is a sincere desire for both parties in a couple to listen with an open mind and accept their partner’s feelings.  Hearing without trying to deny the words lets your heart find a place where you once felt the same. When you find that place of similarity, you will be truly understanding and feel your partner’s pain, shame, anger and distress. Comforting one another feels appropriate and brings closeness and security into the place vacated by blame and competition.


Read about the other 7 fake apologies

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Healthy relationships involve sharing sadness for deep intimacy.

Ever had that cold scary feeling inside when your partner doesn't get how much you long to feel close?

Does it make you angry and defensive?

All that does is push you further apart.

One way of connecting is through the sadness that you feel when you sense the distance between you and your loved one.


Anger gives you vitality - but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result. But you pay a big price.

• You may feel fully alive and vital.

• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.

• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.

• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

 Improve relationships using mutual sadness as the glue

• Remind yourself that your partner feels just as sad as you when you are wedged apart.

• Sadness at being apart and a desire for closeness is a good bridge to intimacy.

• Talk to one another about your worst fears when you feel judged by one another.

• Have a dialogue through your mutual understanding rather than a battle from a place of defense.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security. Get tips on becoming stronger and sign up for my latest articles.

Does Your Need For Pay Back Stop You From Understanding Your Partner?

What did Phil do to be scolded by Emily?
Phil was taken aback when his wife accused him of leaving her out. She had called him at work and told him it was fine if he had a drink with the boys before coming home. Now he was enjoying dinner with another beer and being scolded for not offering Emily a beer too!

Phil refuses to pander to Emily's moods
After dinner Phil played with his son and helped put him to bed. No sooner had he settled to watch TV with another beer than Emily started on him again. Now she was judging him for drinking too much and ignoring her. Phil felt poked. He felt unfairly treated and annoyed that he had to pander to his wife’s moods. He decided to try and appease her by inviting her to listen to music together in front of the fire. Emily refused and went off in tears.

Unable to fathom out what his wife wanted Phil watched a DVD and slept on the couch that night. He had tried to reach out and if she wasn’t responding he wasn’t going to stop himself from doing what he needed to do for himself.

Emily and Phil are on rocky ground feeling insecure and unsure of their relationship
The next morning Emily wanted to know if they were ‘alright.’ Phil was in the same boat. He didn’t know how Emily was feeling about him or their relationship. Both were feeling uncertain and insecure about their connection. It was hard for them to find their way back to a place of mutual understanding, and stability.

Why? Because they were each speaking a different language coming from a different emotional place that neither deciphered.

Phil wants to pay Emily back - so he can't tune into her need for his full attention
I want Phil’s undivided attention so that I know I am the most important thing to him when he is at home. If he’s feeling deprived of time with his mates then I won’t have him 100%. So if I let him go out and drink before he comes home, he can focus fully on me. I can legitimately expect that and not feel ashamed or guilty for wanting him all to myself.

She was disappointed when she had to share him first with the beer and then with music. That was unbearable. If she had to compete with music and booze it didn’t say a lot about Phil’s attachment to her. She became even more insecure about her importance to Phil.

Phil is determined not to give Emily what she wants
Emily let me go out with the boys so she must want something back from me. She’s not always there for me when I need her, so I’m not going to be there for her when she needs me. I’ll go so far but no further. I’m not going to go out of my way to figure her out and give her what she wants. I asked her to join me in listening to music. If that’s not good enough, then tough!

The marriage is threatened when Phil chooses not to tune into Emily
After sticking to his position of giving only part of himself to Emily so that he didn’t feel totally under her control, Phil created more distance between them. He too wanted to feel important. He wanted Emily to make the first move.

Emily wanted Phil to tune into her need for full attention in the only way she could without feeling too needy or ashamed. Phil wasn’t in a place where he could see and meet his wife’s needs. He was still stinging from previous times she had not given him her full attention.

Partners who succeed capitalize on each others successes
Phil and Emily can create a more loving and secure relationship by following one of the main findings of Dr. Art Aarron’s research on successful marriages.

Capitalize on each others success

When both husband and wife take pleasure in each others success it brings them together as a team. They encourage each other because it makes the couple stronger and happier. It becomes less about ‘me’ versus ‘you’ and more about ‘us.’

If Phil tuned into Emily, acknowledged Emily’s efforts to allow him down time before coming home, he would experience her need for attention as a bonus - a time for them without other distractions. If Emily tuned into Phil’s attempts to include her in his music she would feel loved. Then both of them could talk about their needs in ways that would be heard and acted on. They would be a team who enjoyed learning about one another and meeting the challenge of partnership with hope.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security profile

How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?

Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.

The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.

The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'

One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.

Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!

Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.

Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?

This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.

Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.

Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?

Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.

Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009

Take the relationship quiz and get your relationship security profile