Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?

Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?

Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?

Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.

Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together

He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.

Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?

If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.

In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.

Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!

1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!

2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.

3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.

4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do You Feel Invisible When Your Partner is Busy?

Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?
Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn’t want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.

Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn’t really want to. He wasn’t going to second guess her motives.

Roxy wants to be the important one
The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at reading her feelings. She didn’t want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom’s attention.

“Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?” Tom enquired.

“ I saw you guys yapping away. It didn’t seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn’t bother” replied Roxy in a defeated tone.

“ Why can’t you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!” Tom hit back.

“ I don’t feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don’t have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me.” Roxy bared her soul.

“Tomorrow I’m all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me” consoled Tom.

The tables are turned
The next day Tom followed Roxy’s agenda. But Roxy was busy texting her friends, checking her e-mail and answering calls from colleagues and clients. It was as if he weren’t there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.

How come Roxy ignores Tom when she’s got his attention?
When Tom is with her Roxy doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. She doesn’t have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.

Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn’t the top priority in Roxy’s mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?

What’s going on with Roxy?
If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming the top spot in his mind.

What’s going on with Tom?
He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love. He's not sure if she really wants him, or just wants to stop him from being with anyone else.

Connection and security can go together
Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:
1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.
2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.
3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.

Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:
1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.
2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.
3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.

Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?

Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.

Are They Lucky or What!

Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.

Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.

Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner

Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.

Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?

Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.

Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps

Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.

The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check

Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.

Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten

Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection






Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!

Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.

Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."

"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."

" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"

Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.

From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.

Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.

Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to

• Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
• Be compassionate with himself
• Allow himself to make mistakes
• Like himself even when he messes up

Second Duane needs to

• Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
• Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
• Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.

Adele needs to

• Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
• Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
• Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other

As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine

Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap






Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.

" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.

" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.

" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.

• Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
• Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.

A Double Dollop of Homework!
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being

• unfair
• a burden
• an intrusion
  
• one person getting away with something
  

It creates resentment, anger, and massive disappointment that one partner isn't willing to take care of things to prove their love and commitment.

Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.

Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they

• make a slit in the potato skin
• put some butter on it
• add some sour cream and chives
• take bites from it, and enjoy flavors

Looking at the problem together means opening up the potato. Putting butter on it means greasing the wheels. Adding the chives and sour cream means gearing up to meet the challenges. What was once unfair becomes fair. The chore becomes a joint activity that stimulates the taste buds. Both taking equal bites. Both feel full. Both enjoy the relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination





Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

• Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
  

• Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
  
  
• Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.