Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight

Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination





Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.

Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.

" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"

Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.

Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.

I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?

How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.

Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.

Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven

Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.

“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.

Hearing Supervisor’s voice

“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

You Never Tell Me Anything

“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.

Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice

“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.

Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad

Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!

The Good Messages Turn Sour

Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.

Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.

Listening and Hearing In The Moment

Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.

• Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
  

• Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
  
  
• Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now I Want You, Now I Don't!

I Please You So You Need To Please Me!

Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.

How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

• Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
• They need to share what they each represent for one another.
• They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
• Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
• Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.