Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.
The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:
A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '
The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.
" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.
" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.
"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."
Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.
WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?
- Sela can follow her heart and do the class, risking Danny's jealousies and fears.
- Sela can choose to avoid confrontation and deny herself what she is entitled to.
Do either of these seem like possible ways out of this problem? What do you think?
What if?
If Sela gives in she will resent Danny and their relationship will rot and fester and tear and disintegrate. Anger and resentment will ruin their bonds.
If Sela does what she wants, Danny will become more paranoid about losing her and start imagining the worst scenario's possible, driving her mad and pushing her away.
Either way they are doomed.
Soloution: Danny can allow himself to grow too. He can take up a new hobby or get more involved with his children. He can also show an interest in Sela's photography and become a part of that so that he doesn't feel left out. Including himself means he can tolerate her growth and grow with her, rather than strangling her dreams and with it their marriage.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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