I want Your Body, You Want My Mind!

It's So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”

“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you, not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained.


Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?

Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.

Bridget’s attempts at creating safety

Bridget is desperate to bond sexually. That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.

Russ’s attempts at creating safety

Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is. He puts up a protective barrier by playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.

Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.

Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable. She believes that talking and exploring will lead to Russ discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave. That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteract her fear of being unlovable.

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear

He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy. So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he might step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?

1. Stop making the conversation about sex. It is about safety in the relationship.

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and lovableness.

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.











copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now I Want You, Now I Don't!

I Please You So You Need To Please Me!

Dominic fantasized about his wife's face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.

How Dare You Not Appreciate My Surprise Treat!

Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn't feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic's face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment " you're not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?" He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Go Away- It's Too Late Now!
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book, Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Oh Oh! I think I Pushed You Too Far Away!
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn't welcome his advances, saying " You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren't in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It's too late!"
Getting The Fix From Pulling and Pushing
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the " Me pull, you push - you pull, I push" code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

• Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
• They need to share what they each represent for one another.
• They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
• Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
• Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Power Game - Prove You Love Me!

You Have To Chose, Her Or Me?

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty.

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow," Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor, " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

The Ultimatum
" If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the battle.

Threats Drive Them Apart
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary. Loneliness on both sides repaired the breech when the hurt became unbearable.

The power game for Martin

· He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.

· Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.

· He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.

The power game for Tanya
· She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.

· When Martin chooses his mother over her, her ultimatums escalate.

· She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.

Shifting from a power struggle to a love fest

1. Martin’s reluctance to develop his own boundaries is something he should question. Why does he need to hide behind his mother, or borrow strength from Tanya?

2. Allowing Martin to give what he wants is probably Tanya’s best bet. That way Martin isn’t pressured. He is likely to rid himself of his fear of being eaten alive, and use Tanya’s independence as a model for himself.

3. Flexible expectations is a good aim for Tanya to strive towards, building her sense of security, as she gets more from Martin from his own choosing.

4. Giving each other permission to develop and grow without feeling excluded or left behind is the secret to a good partnership.








Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.










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YOU NEVER COMPLIMENT ME!

It's Just Not Fair!

Tricia was sick of the online greetings, the phone calls offering good wishes, and friends wanting to throw Tony a surprise 30th birthday party. “ Why does Tony get everyone fussing over him, yet when it was my 25th birthday no one did anything special. It sucks.” Tricia puked out at she stepped on the dozing cat, wanting to burn the latest pile of birthday cards that arrived in the mail.

I'll Knock Their Socks Off!
“They want a party, they’ll get one that will make their jaws drop!” Tricia resolved. The house was transformed into an Eden of tropically scented flowers, mouth watering delicacies, flowing champagne and seductive music. Tricia glowed with pride. She played the mental audio tape of profuse admiration, and screened the images of awe struck faces, focused on her. Energy flowed and anticipated excitement bubbled in her stomach.

Compliment is Boomeranged Back

“Wow Tricia, what an awesome spread you prepared, thanks so much” Tony said as he absorbed the ambiance. “ No problem, but I didn‘t get the orchids I was hoping for, and I left it too late to get that gelato you love” Tricia boomeranged the compliment back. Insulted, Tony yelled, “ I wish you hadn’t bothered. I never asked for this. You keep telling me I don‘t appreciate you - look how you treat me when I do compliment you!”

Refusal To Allow the Good Stuff In

Despite longing for acknowledgments, compliments stuck in Tricia’s throat and she spat them out. Why would she not let herself have her heart’s desire?

1. She would have to live up to her own expectations which feels like hard work with no guarantee of success.

2. She would have to let the compliments in, and let them nourish her which would mean she couldn’t blame Tony any more.

3. She would have to grow strong on the recognition - that would take mean being on an equal footing with Tony - not at all exciting.

4. Much better to give him power to make her happy, rather than take responsibility for using the compliments to make herself happy.

How Can This Couple Change The Script?

1. Tony should tell Tricia how he feels when she throws his compliments in the trash.

2. Tony must let her know every time she spits on it.

3. When he is feeling calmer, Tony can ask her why she doesn’t want his compliments even though she is desperate for them.

4. Tricia needs to be more aware of her double messages.

5. She needs to ask herself what prevents her from enjoying praise and recognition

6. She needs to focus in on the acknowledgements in real life rather than those she fantasized about while she is doing activities that she believes will bring her accolades.

7. Both Tricia and Tony need to talk about the self-fulfilling prophecy that is being set up. When Tricia spurns Tony’s comments, he is less likely to offer them and then her accusation about never getting validation will come true.












If you have similar experiences please let me know via your comments.

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Whose Script Gets Top Billing?

I Don't Buy That Story

Tim heard Josie's key in the lock and sighed. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink.

"Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with passing notes to Al her team leader while sharing meaningful glances.

"Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated.

She's Following The Wrong Script

This wasn't the script that Tim had written for his play. Josie's lines called for her to say that she was sorry, that she had been thinking of him all through the meeting, and that she didn't give Al a second glance the entire time. How could Tim get Josie on the right page reading the prepared script?

Demands For Sticking To The Right Script

" What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations. Tim tightened the focus on his script and demanded to know if she had been looking forward to their dinner together and if she had missed him. Josie got up and started getting dinner, banging dishes, avoiding any body or eye contact with Tim.

The Story Line Is Ruined
Tim's drama had been completely decimated. Not only had Josie read the wrong lines, but she spat on the plot and discarded his desperate attempts at trying to be the sole author of their relationship. Is this the woman he should be with? Is this what he hoped for in a girlfriend?

Reading From Different Scripts
Tim and Josie were reading from different scripts. Tim had written one that he expected Josie to follow without giving her a copy. Her commitment to him was measured by whether she deciphered the text through his coded barbs. Josie had her own scenes mapped out. She wanted to be a co-author. Tim found that threatening and bleached them out of his hearing. Josie was expected to fall in with Tim's prepared manuscript with no chance for edits. When she didn't Tim felt as important as a used plastic shopping bag blowing down a dirty street.

Co-create The Drama For The Most Satisfying Relationship
Relationships have the best chance of being satisfying when partners co-create their drama together. Scripts that are prepared by a duo are alive, flexible and surprising.

A story about a couple that has already been written in stone by one partner cannot include another voice. It is doomed to crumble. In the case of Tim and Jose, the rigid script kills off any chance of an ongoing dynamic bonding unless Tim risks building the stage for a new play that has two script writers and editors. Josie has to demand equal billing or else there is no play to stage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

When A Gift To Your Partner Feels Like An Insult

I Bet He'll Be Thrilled!

Cheryl booked a vacation for herself and her husband Lee. She did the planning and paid for it. She imagined he would be thrilled since he was longing to get away with her and have a break from his demanding job. He was paying off large credit card debts and wasn’t able to afford vacations. Cheryl broke the exciting news two weeks before the departure hoping to surprise him.

Why Wasn't I Consulted?
Lee blew up at her. He felt insulted that he wasn’t consulted or asked to participate in the planning. He resented Cheryl for paying for the trip and wondered what the hidden strings would be. He didn’t like to depend on anyone and he certainly didn’t want his wife to pay for him.

Both Lee and Cheryl felt like they had been hit by a bolt of lightning. What started out as a potentially helpful and generous act became sour. Both felt unheard, unseen and wounded. So what went wrong?

Cheryl’s view point - Cheryl wanted Lee to hurry and be debt free so they could begin considering having a family, house, and annual vacations. She wanted to be proactive in this role and thought that her generosity would make Lee feel cared for and understood. She further thought it would encourage him to pay off his debt faster.

Cheryl’s expectations: She expected him to be pleased, grateful and make strides towards paying off his debt as a result. She wanted to pull him to be into her time line for their future lives.

Lee’s viewpoint - Lee was a fiercely independent person. He hated being obligated and felt that he had no choice in the matter when Cheryl made the announcement of the impending vacation with the added sting in the tail - ” so now you can pay your debt off sooner!” He saw this as a precondition of having the vacation and experienced his control being robbed from him. The vacation was not a gift but an insult.

What were their expectations and what went wrong? How can it be changed?

Lee’s expectations: He expected that he would be consulted about planning and paying for a vacation. He expected that he would have a say in what his contribution would be and that he could decide how he wanted to spend his money. He expected that Cheryl would have enough faith and trust in him regarding his debt repayments. He expected that if she really wanted to help him with the burden she would consult with him and they would jointly make an action plan.

Cheryl’s wounded response- when Lee was angry and far from grateful, Cheryl was flabbergasted. She felt slapped in the face and pushed aside. She felt Lee didn’t want her help and resented the time and effort she had put into this scheme. She felt disinclined to reach out and find common ground. She retaliated with hurt pride and anger.

Lee’s wounded response - Cheryl’s unilateral acts made Lee feel undermined and demeaned as a partner. He felt manipulated and controlled, so he reacted by retreating from Cheryl. He felt that his individuality was at stake. If he didn’t fall in with Cheryl’s time lines and visions for the future the entire relationship was threatened. He became even more determined to be independent. He became more suspicious of Cheryl’s so called helpful actions.

Lessons to learn -
1. If you are irritated by your partner’s behavior

• talk about that specific behavior with them.
• Don’t disguise your irritation by wrapping it up with a gift so that they are then “guilted” into changing that behavior.
  

2. If you find yourself unable to talk with your partner about an annoying trait

• Ask yourself why? Do you think it will end in a row?
• Will it be unresolved or are you afraid you won’t get the result you want?
• When one partner wants the other to be more like them, and the other is fighting to stay unique both feel alone, hurt and misunderstood.
  

3. If you truly want to help your partner and share equally in their difficulties and joys

• Ask what you can do to be of greatest value.
• Don’t assume that your ideas will be seen as useful.
• Find out what would really be appreciated and negotiate ways in which it could be implemented to honor the places you both find yourselves in.
• If you want help ask for it in ways that show you are inviting and welcoming of participation.
• Don’t just get mad when help is offered that isn’t to your liking. Give your partner a clearer picture of what kind of help would be appreciated without you feeling controlled.
  

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

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