Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake 5

Mistake Number 5- Preventing Your Partner From Growing





Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.

The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:

A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '

The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.

" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.

" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.

"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."

Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.

WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?

• Sela can follow her heart and do the class, risking Danny's jealousies and fears.
• Sela can choose to avoid confrontation and deny herself what she is entitled to.

Do either of these seem like possible ways out of this problem? What do you think?

What if?

If Sela gives in she will resent Danny and their relationship will rot and fester and tear and disintegrate. Anger and resentment will ruin their bonds.

If Sela does what she wants, Danny will become more paranoid about losing her and start imagining the worst scenario's possible, driving her mad and pushing her away.

Either way they are doomed.

Soloution: Danny can allow himself to grow too. He can take up a new hobby or get more involved with his children. He can also show an interest in Sela's photography and become a part of that so that he doesn't feel left out. Including himself means he can tolerate her growth and grow with her, rather than strangling her dreams and with it their marriage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes For Couples to Avoid - Mistake 4

Mistake Number 4 - Treat Each Other With Contempt

Rupert drove Estelle to her brother's party in a foul mood. She could hardly bear to be near him, and kept making snide comments about his driving.

" You drive like teenager with a new toy! Grow up for heaven's sake!" Estelle said in a demeaning tone.

" Well look at you! You're a middle aged woman dressed up like some has been trying to make herself look like a hot chick! Rupert gave as good as he got.

Number One Predictor of Divorce
Research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is exchanging condemnation between couples. The fabric of the relationship is torn apart. There is no respect, care or concern for each other's feelings, only a need to score points and feel superior. Tearing your partner down, means you also tear down the marriage. That leaves both parties feeling unsafe. They are either bracing themselves for an onslaught or they are getting ready to deliver a blow. Either way they are not available to listen or care.


Five Ways to Avoid The Trap

• Acknowledge the anger your partner has without getting defensive.
• Ask what the anger is about.
• Make the relationship safe again so that a caring dialogue can occur.
• Use your right to clear up any misunderstandings
• Find a common thread that can create a sense of togetherness

Resources
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Three

Mistake Number 3 -Thinking and Feeling For Your Partner




Connie Imagines The Worst
The pregnancy test proved positive. Connie's heart sank. How could she tell Mario? He would just flip out. He didn't want kids just yet. He would feel tricked and manipulated. He would find Connie unattractive. He would be angry with her. He would despise her. He wouldn't want to have anymore to do with her. He would find someone else. He would leave her.

Thinking and Feeling For Mario Makes Connie Feel Stronger
Those racing thoughts that spelled out catastrophe made Connie terrified of talking to Mario. She had already convinced herself of how he would feel, how he would react. In her mind she had put their relationship in a grave.

Fortified with an image of just how it would go, she finally got up the courage to tell Mario the next day. Insulated against the bad reaction she had predicted, she gave him the news.

" I'm a month late, and I think I may be pregnant. I know it's not what you want. I'm not sure how it happened. I suppose you want to leave me, so if you're going to go, do it now!"

Mario Is Mad At Being Treated Like A Puppet
Mario was mad. " You know what, I might just do that! I'm tired of you telling me what I think, how I feel, and what I will do. You expect me to be mean, and then you tell me I'm going to be mean, and set me up for it. Then when I get mad you feel rejected."

Connie Rob's Herself of Loyalty and Commitment
Connie's desperate need for predictability made her write unhappy scenes in her head which she then forced Mario to act out. The result was that she became the ventriloquist to Mario's puppet. She took away his mind, his ability to think and feel for himself. She robbed herself of his intelligence, emotions and empathy for her. She robbed him of the opportunity to offer her support, comfort, loyalty and commitment.

Open Doors and Get The Goodies
Allowing your partner to have their full range of feelings, thoughts and ideas means you value them. It means that you accept them as they are, not who you think they may be. Giving them space and encouraging them to be who they truly are gives them the opportunity to be so much more to you than your imagination can conceive.

Mix and Match Thoughts and Feelings for a Solid Relationship
Be curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Mix and match them with your own, and together you will have a strong resource that belongs to the both of you as a couple. That is a good solid foundation for a lasting relationship.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Resource: Togetherness sporting activities

Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake Two

Mistake Number Two - Expecting Your Partner To Be A Mind Reader








The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.

In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.

Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.

Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.

The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.

"What's wrong?" she asked several times.

" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.

Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.

Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.

Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"


Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got

• more immediate understanding
• more sympathy
• more attention
• a greater sense of being loved and cared for
• a boost from feeling valued and important to his partner

Hoping For Your Mind To Be Read Equals Self-Sabotage

By waiting and hoping that somehow Nora would just figure it out by magic, he sabotaged his very reasonable needs.

The Dance of Talking and Sharing Feelings

One measure of connectedness is anticipating each other's needs and preparing to meet them as and when appropriate. However, this type of intimacy doesn't happen overnight, nor is it an automatic part of the deal when two people choose to enter a relationship.

There is also the dance of talking about feelings, thoughts, and everything else that is inside you. Keeping silent and waiting for your partner to guess is the second biggest mistake couples make that leads to the destruction of a relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One

Mistake Number One - Setting Traps

The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.

The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.

“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.

“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.

“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.

“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”

“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.

“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.

“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.

The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.

A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.










Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.