The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.
In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.
Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.
Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.
The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.
"What's wrong?" she asked several times.
" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.
Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.
Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.
Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"
Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got
- more immediate understanding
- more sympathy
- more attention
- a greater sense of being loved and cared for
- a boost from feeling valued and important to his partner
Hoping For Your Mind To Be Read Equals Self-Sabotage
By waiting and hoping that somehow Nora would just figure it out by magic, he sabotaged his very reasonable needs.
The Dance of Talking and Sharing Feelings
One measure of connectedness is anticipating each other's needs and preparing to meet them as and when appropriate. However, this type of intimacy doesn't happen overnight, nor is it an automatic part of the deal when two people choose to enter a relationship.
There is also the dance of talking about feelings, thoughts, and everything else that is inside you. Keeping silent and waiting for your partner to guess is the second biggest mistake couples make that leads to the destruction of a relationship.Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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