Sunday, December 13, 2009
How Can My Partner Love Me If He's Mad At Me?
Paige's insecurity reached fever pitch when Travis was preoccupied
Paige's husband Travis worried about the end of the year approaching with no improvement in his insurance sales figures. He earned his money through commission and in the last couple of months, he had barely broke even. Paige became more and more anxious as she felt Travis go into his own world. She understood that he was preoccupied but that didn't make her feel any more secure.
The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic
Cooking his favorite meals and putting on the music he loved didn't succeed in letting her into his world. He just didn't seem to notice or care. Paige's fear escalated. She tried to shower him with affection and be loving in bed. The more she tried to get back on his radar, the more irritated he got. The more unresponsive Travis was, the more Paige began to panic that he didn't love her anymore.
The racing thoughts in her head went from 'maybe he's just having a bad day' to ' I'm not good enough, I can't please him, he can't stand me, he can't bear to be near me, he's going to leave!'
One minute Paige is loving, the next she's angry and rejecting
Tension, anxiety and fear overwhelmed Paige. She felt as if she had already lost her husband and didn't know what to do in order to get him back - to notice her, and let her know that she was still important and worth loving. The stress of not knowing and even worse, not having any idea when she might get some feedback made her snap at Travis.
Travis tolerated the snapping for a little while. But he didn't have much patience. Why was Paige behaving in these ridiculous ways? One minute she is loving and doing everything for him, and the next minute she acts like angry rejecting woman!
Travis was furious with Paige's behavior. He thought it was erratic and not what he needed when he was dealing with serious issues. He yelled at her to "let him be," and to "act her age."
The force with which Travis reacted made Paige's worst fears come true. All those voices in her head became loud and insistent, saying she wasn't loved, she was a bad wife, she was no good and her husband didn't want her.
Men either love you or they hate you!
Paige went into a kind of shocked trance. She walked around like a robot doing chores but she was throbbing with insecurity. Would they split up? What would happen to their joint savings? How should she conduct herself - as an equal person, or as a kicked out no good mongrel?
This awful feeling was exactly like the times Paige felt unsure and terrified about her place in her family when her Dad got raving mad and took it out on her. His voice and demeanor made her feel like a waste of space that wasn't wanted. At those moments her father hated her and she didn't know why. All she knew was that he didn't love her and that she must be bad. She would spend hours trying to think of ways to win his love back. Sometimes it worked, and other times things just moved on without her ever being sure what had changed.
Travis's love is constant but feels slippery to Paige
Travis's anger at Paige felt the same as her Dad's harsh words. If Travis didn't want her around him it must mean she wasn't loved. Paige had no idea that people can still love you even if they aren't all over you. She was either loved or she wasn't.
Travis loved his wife all the time. He loved her when he was in a good mood or going through tough times. He loved her when he was sick, impatient, needing time on his own, excited, working and sleeping. He never stopped loving her. He knew it, so why did Paige doubt him?
Paige doubted Travis because she has a hard time understanding that you could love a person and be somewhat distant or angry at the same time. She thought anger would cancel out the love. That made her insecure and scared her into working hard to find that love again.
Feeling secure is realizing that anger doesn't cancel out love
Paige need only look into herself and see that when she is mad at Travis there is still a part of her that loves him. She hasn't lost her loving feelings. Nor does she have to create them from scratch when her disappointment with him has subsided. The warm feelings of attachment and security just come back automatically. When Paige can notice consistency in her own love for Travis, she will be able to believe that her husband's love is also consistent - it may just ebb and flow like waves in the same ocean. That will be her secret to feeling stable and secure within the marriage and build a stronger house for the partnership.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2009
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Sunday, November 15, 2009
Why do you keep the good stuff to yourself and only share the bad moods!
A comforting wife made Noam glad he was married
Noam’s cell phone vibrated as he woke up next to his wife in the vacation hotel room. The text message told him that his best friend had been fatally injured in a car accident. Trudy consoled her husband and made allowances for his bad mood for the rest of the vacation and the first week back at home. She comforted him and eased his guilt about not visiting his friend just before the vacation.! Noam shared his grief, frustration and unsettled feelings with Trudy, lapping up her interest, care and concern.
Noam doesn't need Trudy when he's doing good
A few weeks later Noam came home from work in a good mood. He had just got a managerial position with more money. He told Trudy and then buried himself in the television. Trudy congratulated him and wanted to know more. She sat by him and asked questions trying to share in the experience.
“ I already told you! I got the promotion and I’m glad they finally see how hard I’ve been working.” Noam responded, not taking his eyes of the screen.
“ You must be feeling so proud of yourself. What’s it going to be like to be the boss over some of your friends?” Trudy asked as she celebrated his achievement.
“ Fine. I’m watching the game right now. What’s for dinner?” Noam replied cutting Trudy off.
Trudy felt rebuffed and went back into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She felt pushed out and excluded. It hurt that he didn’t want to enjoy his good news with her.
Noam wants to keep his good feelings all to himself
Noam wanted to hang onto his good feelings for as long as he could. He wanted them all for himself. Trudy’s excitement and probing made him feel like she wanted to rob him of his accomplishments. It was as if she wanted to own some of it and that would make him feel less proud. So he kept her at bay. He wanted a pat on the back and nothing more. He didn’t want to take a chance with her coming into his good stuff and tainting it with her prints. If he let her share it, she would spoil the purity of the experience.
Noam wants sympathy but Trudy keeps her distance
A couple of days later Noam’s car battery gave out and he had the inconvenience of calling for roadside assistance. He whined and complained about it when he got home looking for Trudy to fuss over him and pour out words of sympathy. His wall was almost all the way down, but she didn’t want to go in.
“So you were a bit late for work, no big deal!” she said not wanting this topic to linger on.
“That’s just what I needed to hear! The only time I can count on you is when I’m a wreck. That’s the only time you come through for me. I’m sick of having to be so low before you act like you care!” Noam stormed off.
Trudy gives up on staying close to Noam
Noam only feels safe putting his guard down when he is desperately sad, scared and lost. When he is in that low place he lets Trudy in and they connect in a good way, making them stronger as a team. But when Noam feels good, proud, and able to manage by himself, he puts the wall up and only allow Trudy to watch from afar. She is expected to pin a medal on his chest and then withdraw. No wonder she just gives up.
Bummer for Trudy and bummer for Noam. Trudy wants to be close to Noam all the time but he is too scared to let her in unless he is in a bad, bad way. Noam wants to be close to Trudy all the time but she doesn’t always feel welcome and keeps her distance after getting burned.
Lowering the wall enough to feel close rather than fearful of being robbed
Trudy needs to show Noam how he pushes her out when he is feeling good. - every single time he does it. That will nudge Noam into doing a reality check on his fear that his perfect moment is going to be taken away. Noam will eventually realize that rather than his bubble bursting, the bubble is bigger and lasts longer. As he feels safer, Trudy will feel more invited and more willing to be the partner he expects and that she wants to be.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Take the relationship quiz and find out your style of finding relationship security.
Noam’s cell phone vibrated as he woke up next to his wife in the vacation hotel room. The text message told him that his best friend had been fatally injured in a car accident. Trudy consoled her husband and made allowances for his bad mood for the rest of the vacation and the first week back at home. She comforted him and eased his guilt about not visiting his friend just before the vacation.! Noam shared his grief, frustration and unsettled feelings with Trudy, lapping up her interest, care and concern.
Noam doesn't need Trudy when he's doing good
A few weeks later Noam came home from work in a good mood. He had just got a managerial position with more money. He told Trudy and then buried himself in the television. Trudy congratulated him and wanted to know more. She sat by him and asked questions trying to share in the experience.
“ I already told you! I got the promotion and I’m glad they finally see how hard I’ve been working.” Noam responded, not taking his eyes of the screen.
“ You must be feeling so proud of yourself. What’s it going to be like to be the boss over some of your friends?” Trudy asked as she celebrated his achievement.
“ Fine. I’m watching the game right now. What’s for dinner?” Noam replied cutting Trudy off.
Trudy felt rebuffed and went back into the kitchen to prepare the meal. She felt pushed out and excluded. It hurt that he didn’t want to enjoy his good news with her.
Noam wants to keep his good feelings all to himself
Noam wanted to hang onto his good feelings for as long as he could. He wanted them all for himself. Trudy’s excitement and probing made him feel like she wanted to rob him of his accomplishments. It was as if she wanted to own some of it and that would make him feel less proud. So he kept her at bay. He wanted a pat on the back and nothing more. He didn’t want to take a chance with her coming into his good stuff and tainting it with her prints. If he let her share it, she would spoil the purity of the experience.
Noam wants sympathy but Trudy keeps her distance
A couple of days later Noam’s car battery gave out and he had the inconvenience of calling for roadside assistance. He whined and complained about it when he got home looking for Trudy to fuss over him and pour out words of sympathy. His wall was almost all the way down, but she didn’t want to go in.
“So you were a bit late for work, no big deal!” she said not wanting this topic to linger on.
“That’s just what I needed to hear! The only time I can count on you is when I’m a wreck. That’s the only time you come through for me. I’m sick of having to be so low before you act like you care!” Noam stormed off.
Trudy gives up on staying close to Noam
Noam only feels safe putting his guard down when he is desperately sad, scared and lost. When he is in that low place he lets Trudy in and they connect in a good way, making them stronger as a team. But when Noam feels good, proud, and able to manage by himself, he puts the wall up and only allow Trudy to watch from afar. She is expected to pin a medal on his chest and then withdraw. No wonder she just gives up.
Bummer for Trudy and bummer for Noam. Trudy wants to be close to Noam all the time but he is too scared to let her in unless he is in a bad, bad way. Noam wants to be close to Trudy all the time but she doesn’t always feel welcome and keeps her distance after getting burned.
Lowering the wall enough to feel close rather than fearful of being robbed
Trudy needs to show Noam how he pushes her out when he is feeling good. - every single time he does it. That will nudge Noam into doing a reality check on his fear that his perfect moment is going to be taken away. Noam will eventually realize that rather than his bubble bursting, the bubble is bigger and lasts longer. As he feels safer, Trudy will feel more invited and more willing to be the partner he expects and that she wants to be.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Take the relationship quiz and find out your style of finding relationship security.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Do You Turn Your Happiness into Guilt To Make Your Partner Feel Good?
Why does Dan knock Kate down every time she builds herself up?
Dan took one look at Kate’s face, heard the spring in her step and began complaining about her being away and leaving him to take care of the dogs. Every time Kate built herself up Dan tore her down. If she could do so well without him where did he fit in? If she could be happy without his input she may walk away and then where would he be?
Kate shut down, blinking tears away from her eyes. There was no point trying to hang on to her good feelings because it never worked. It was too uncomfortable trying to maintain her sense of well being while Dan was down in the dumps. It made her feel like she didn’t deserve to be happy.
Happiness drove them apart, but sadness brought them together
He hugged and kissed her, consoling and comforting his wife. Now he felt big, useful and important. Her sadness became his reassurance and relief, his security that she needed him. Her happiness drove them apart. Her sadness reunited them as a couple.
Does Dan really want to destroy his wife?
If Kate has the happiness card, that means there is none left for him. That’s unfair! Better that no one is happy. Knocking Kate down achieves that purpose without Dan feeling mean about his wish to deflate her good mood. After all it’s not okay to be jealous of his wife’s happiness. In order to get rid of his envy, Dan puts a guilt trip on Kate. He can live with that.
In the short term this game puts Dan and Kate on a level playing field, where no one is happy. But ultimately it sabotages their relationship. It’s exhausting to play this game and the resentment they store up makes for a very shaky basis on which to build their future.
Own up to feelings and stop sabotaging the relationship!
1. Instead of going straight to sadness, and missing out the anger stage, Kate should talk to Dan about her instinct to walk from his when he guilt trips her. The very opposite of what he wants!
2. Dan should get in touch with his fear of being unimportant to Kate and tell her about it at the moment he notices his envy creep up. Kate can then give him the reassurance he needs without playing the guilty person having to apologize for her good moods.
3. Creating opportunities to share pleasure rather than competing for the right to own it for a short time will bring Kate and Dan into harmony with one another.
4. Dialoguing about how they can complement and compensate for the bad feelings when they come up, will lessen the sabotaging nature of the game, and make for a stronger and more up front relationship.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Do You Feel Invisible When Your Partner is Busy?
Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?
Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn’t want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.
Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn’t really want to. He wasn’t going to second guess her motives.
Roxy wants to be the important one
The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at reading her feelings. She didn’t want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom’s attention.
“Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?” Tom enquired.
“ I saw you guys yapping away. It didn’t seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn’t bother” replied Roxy in a defeated tone.
“ Why can’t you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!” Tom hit back.
“ I don’t feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don’t have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me.” Roxy bared her soul.
“Tomorrow I’m all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me” consoled Tom.
The tables are turned
The next day Tom followed Roxy’s agenda. But Roxy was busy texting her friends, checking her e-mail and answering calls from colleagues and clients. It was as if he weren’t there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.
How come Roxy ignores Tom when she’s got his attention?
When Tom is with her Roxy doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. She doesn’t have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.
Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn’t the top priority in Roxy’s mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?
What’s going on with Roxy?
If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming the top spot in his mind.
What’s going on with Tom?
He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love. He's not sure if she really wants him, or just wants to stop him from being with anyone else.
Connection and security can go together
Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:
1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.
2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.
3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.
Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:
1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.
2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.
3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.
Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
How Well Do You Know Your Partner?
Should Gary Give in to Eleanor?
Gary was worried. If he went with his own feelings and delayed the marriage plans he might make Eleanor feel unwanted. She may drift away. If he agreed to her wish to marry after three years of living together he feared that it would tempt fate and he would mess up, just as he had done in his first marriage. Would he sabotage the marriage by feeling too secure? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? The pressure was getting greater and he didn’t know how to avoid the conversation any longer.
Are They Lucky or What!
Eleanor was everything he ever wanted in a partner. She was creative and spontaneous. She was always there for him. He wished he could be that way for her. They were sexually compatible. They both liked hiking, being environmentally conscious and traveling. Her family were welcoming, accepting and caring. Everything his family lacked.
Strong willed but optimistic and humorous was how Eleanor saw Gary. He was everything she wasn’t. He was stable, steadfast, loyal and reliable. He was her rock. He got her out of her bad moods and comforted her through disappointments in her work. He represented the promise of a decent and loving relationship, so different to her family that betrayed and abandoned each other.
Competing To Be The Bad, Undeserving Partner
Gary tells Eleanor how perfect she is and how far he has to go to reach her level of maturity. Eleanor tells Gary he is so much more perfect than she is. She hasn’t even begun to match his ability to put things in perspective! Gary tops that by insisting that Eleanor is the epitome of a perfect and ideal partner - in a class of her own.
Seems Like the Perfect Couple! So What’s the Problem?
Gary thinks he lacks many things. He sees these attributes in Eleanor and is thrilled to have them by proxy. She doesn’t appear to have his problems, therefore she has no problems according to his belief system. For Eleanor, Gary has all the personality characteristics she admires. If he has these wonderful traits, it must be because she is deficient and he is complete.
Trying to have the perfect partner for keeps
Eleanor and Gary idealize each other, seeing only what they need to see in order to maintain the illusion of a fairy tale partner. Why would they want someone who is as flawed as they are? Because winning the competition to be the bad guy means you get to have the perfect partner for keeps.
The Solution is a Bumpy Reality Check
Gary and Eleanor would do well to go to pre-marital counseling and discover each others humanness. If they want to give themselves a chance of a solid marriage when ever the time comes, they need to take each other off the pedestals and recognize that they both have strengths and weaknesses and are no less attractive because of it. The fairy tale myth needs to be re-written by them together in a supportive way, so that later down the road they are not rudely awakened by reality hitting them at a vulnerable and stressful time. The shock of the disappointment would be too great and wouldn’t survive the illusory foundation on which they built their future.
Good for Gary that he has reservations about getting married. It is a valuable sign that he can use to begin a more realistic dialogue with Eleanor in psychotherapy. Then and only then will they truly be solid, and good parents.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Ten
Mistake Number Ten - Demanding Perfection
Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!
Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.
Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."
"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."
" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"
Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.
From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.
Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.
Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to
As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Duane Found The Perfect Woman
Adele was gorgeous, smart, popular and a lot of fun to be with. Duane felt like luckiest man alive when Adele agreed to move in with him. He had it all!
Once he had 'bagged' his dream woman, Duane began to get irritated and impatient with Adele.
" Your breath stinks in the morning" he said as he got of out bed, rejecting Adele's efforts to greet their day with a kiss.
Duane Found Fault With Everything About Adele
"You act stupid when you drink too much wine. You should learn to control yourself," he jibed at her as their guests were leaving."
"You embarrass me when you wear those low cut tops."
" You never can make that Caesar Salad dressing right, can you?"
Confused and upset Adele tried to pull up her socks and reach those impossibly perfect standards that Duane seemed to demand. But it was impossible and their relationship splintered into tiny but explosive fragments of verbal abuse. Their interactions were filled with shame and disrespect, driving them further and further apart.
From Perfect To Trashy! What Happened?
Attracted to what he perceived as the epitome of perfection was alluring and very gratifying. Having something so perfect and admired meant that Duane could use it as a cloak to hide his imperfections.
Living with his perfect mate was different. Duane was faced with the reality that Adele was human and imperfect. It scared him. He desperately needed her to become the paragon of perfection that had drawn him to Adele. Otherwise his flaws would be exposed and that would be intolerable.
Putting The Pieces Back Together
Duane and Adele have a great opportunity to create a stronger and more mature relationship.
First Duane needs to
- Accept his own imperfections as human, and be more tolerant of himself
- Be compassionate with himself
- Allow himself to make mistakes
- Like himself even when he messes up
- Accept Adele as human, flawed and loveable because of that
- Feel close to her because both of them mess up and have bad habits
- Forgive her imperfections and tolerate them without feeling that it is a reflection of him.
- Bring humor to their relationship when either of them mess up
- Show affection and compassion when Duane feels bad about himself
- Teach Duane that love and respect grow with tolerance and an acceptance of each other
As Duane and Adele deepen their sense of love through tolerance and acceptance of themselves and each other, their once brittle relationship will morph into one that is soft, giving and secure.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake Nine
Mistake Nine - Dropping The Hot Potato In Your Partner's Lap
Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.
" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.
" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.
" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.
Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being
Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.
Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Who Should Prepare for the Parents Visit?
Eddie's parents were arriving in three days. He was looking forward to it and imagined showing them the sights, taking them hiking and entertaining them at the new Italian restaurant.
" Booked the camping ground site?" Eddie asked his partner.
" What do you mean? That's your job. Why should I book your camping trip? They are your parents. " Furious, Whitney threw the hot potato of responsibility right back.
" I don't have time. I can't believe you would leave it this late and put me in this place. You know how busy I am at work and how exhausted I get when I come home. " Eddie screamed as the hot potato burned his fingers. He threw it as far away from him as he could.
Both Hate Being Responsible
The steaming hot potato became blacker as Whitney and Eddie allowed it to get charred. Neither of them wanted it to splatter on their agendas, and mess up their carefully crafted priorities.
- Neither wants the sole burden of responsibility
- Neither wanted the black mark of irresponsibility and guilt on their chests.
Eddie and Whitney both experience the hot potato as a double dollop of homework! That translates into being
- unfair
- a burden
- an intrusion
- one person getting away with something
Two Heads and Hearts are Better Than One
The problem that Eddie and Whitney have is believing that only one person has to take responsibility. That kind of thinking does make responsibility a burden, unappealing, and a chore.
Sharing the tasks makes the potato yummy instead of a charred, scorched waste product. Eddie and Whitney can taste the comfort of joint responsibility when they
- make a slit in the potato skin
- put some butter on it
- add some sour cream and chives
- take bites from it, and enjoy flavors
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Number Eight
Mistake Number Eight - Character Assassination
Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.
Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.
" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"
Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.
Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.
I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?
How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.
Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.
Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Jarred is a slob
Picking up the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor Noel was getting to be more than a drag for Noel. She resented picking up after Jarred. He didn't seem to notice the mess in the kitchen sink, or the garbage piling up. His hairs were all over the bathroom, and he left the top off the tube of toothpaste.
Noel lets him have it
At dinner Noel watched Jarred closely. He left his plate on the table, crumbs around his place mat, threw food down for the dog, and left condiment jars open.
" You are disgusting! You make a mess when you eat, you leave your stinky clothes strewn around, and it doesn't bother you. You cut your toe nails and leave them on the carpet. Your hairs coat the shower and bits of toothpaste splatter all around the bathroom sink. Your personal hygiene stinks. You treat this place like a pig sty, and you act like a pig who likes to wallow in the filth!"
Stunned and Decimated
Jarred was stunned. He knew he was a bit lazy when it came to keeping things neat and clean, but it had never seemed to be a big deal. In fact Noel had been glad to do things for him and take care of the housework. Scolded and humiliated, he withdrew into silence.
Wedged Apart
Lately she had become more irritable and impatient with him. He couldn't seem to do anything right. She found fault with almost every aspect of him. He felt humiliated, small, insignificant and unlovable. Instead of being equal partners in a loving relationship, Noel's character assassination drove a wedge between them. She played the angry parent to a naughty child who hadn't intended to be so aggravating.
I'm Better Than You!
By destroying Jarred's character, Noel cut the head off his self-esteem. Coming from his partner, the slights were much deeper and more pointed. He took it badly and was unable to function as a worthy partner. It was as if his privileges had been cut off. Shaming Jarred created a sense of "I'm better than you." How can Jarred be a loving, sexual, supportive, helpful, comforting partner to Noel while feeling so inferior, and so despised?
How Did It Happen?
Noel had obviously been building up to her tirade. It didn't come from nowhere. Once she may have enjoyed cleaning up after Jarred. It probably made her feel needed and appreciated. As time went by, it got on her nerves. She hated herself for picking up after him. She turned the hatred into a character assassination of Jarred.
Recovering Respect - Do An Activity Involving Mutual Dependence
Blows to self-respect and self-esteem are very hard to recover from in an atmosphere where one partner feels superior and one inferior. Noel and Jarred have to find one activity where they both need each other equally. It may be in caring for their dog. It may be going on a mountain hike where they are forced to depend on one another. Whatever it is, that will wipe the slate clean of postures involving superiority, and inferiority. When both feel important and necessary to one another, the rest is easy.
Then they can have a conversation about irritating habits and how to manage them. Coming from a place of mutual respect, trust and dependence can work miracles.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid -Mistake Number Seven
Mistake Number Seven - Hearing What You Expect - Not What Is Said
Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Ciana sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.
“ It was fine.” Kodi replied to shut it down.
“ Did you ask about the new computer programs that are going to be installed?” Ciana said trying to engage her partner.
Hearing Supervisor’s voice
“ Why are you checking up on me? You must think I’m an idiot! You just don’t believe I can handle this do you?” Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.
You Never Tell Me Anything
“ You never tell me anything unless I ask you. I have to pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in our life, because I’m your partner.” Ciana put the ball right back in Kodi’s court.
Reacting to Supervisor’s Voice
“ You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don’t have to be accountable to you. You’re not my mother!” Kodi criticized as he tried to regain the upper hand.
Pre-emptive Strikes Kill The Good With The Bad
Kodi’s internal ears were primed to hear judgement, put downs and minimal expectations of himself - the voice of a heartless supervisor. That’s what he had heard so often as he grew up. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad!
The Good Messages Turn Sour
Kodi’s hyper-sensitivity to criticism took up all the space that other more positive messages could occupy. Ciana’s genuine interest in his world and his experiences were viewed as intrusive examinations of his shortcomings. Kodi’s hostile reactions pushed Ciana into a defensive posture, making her less likely to risk caring and sharing again.
Result - The couple grow apart and miss out on the comfort of hearing supportive and encouraging messages from one another.
Listening and Hearing In The Moment
Uncertainty is hard to deal with. Hearing what Kodi expects removes the uncertainty, but it also removes the reality of receiving praise, feeling cared for, and basking in Ciana’s interest. Kodi can make more room for the good stuff by listening and hearing in the moment rather than from his inner history book.
- Kodi can tune into the tone of her voice, and her facial expression to gauge her intention. That will help keep him in the moment.
- Ciana can preface her remarks by saying “ I’m interested in how you feel when I can't give you a definite answer. That will help Kodi from having to deal with his anxiety by escaping from the positives she has to offer in the here and now.
- Ciana and Kodi can review comment out loud about what they see and hear in one another, keeping them grounded, connected and in the moment.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Mistake 6
Mistake number 6- Play The Martyr
The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.
The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."
Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."
"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.
Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."
Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.
Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.
So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr
The results are
The Enjoyment Gets Spoiled
The new apartment looked great. Claudia and Warren had worked hard to get it just the way they liked. Warren's dream of owning his place had come true. He wanted his parents to see it and feel proud of him. Claudia was not comfortable with her in-laws arriving so soon. She wanted to savor it with Warren, just two of them as a couple. The thought of his parents descending so soon felt like a theft of their personal enjoyment time.
The Tug-of-War Begins
" You always make a fuss when I want my parents to visit, " complained Warren. Hurt that Warren seemed to want his parents' affirmation more than he valued his connection to her, Claudia replied, " Okay, do what you want. It doesn't matter."
Warren got really mad. " Why do you put me in this position? You put on this sacrificial unselfish air that really annoys me."
"I said, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine." Claudia said in a hostile, hurt and tearful voice.
Warren felt punched in the stomach, like she was the superior person and he was a selfish guy.
" No, it's okay. I'll just wait until you are ready. I guess I'll have to let them know that it isn't the right time. I'll have to swallow their disappointment."
Anger is Masked by Martyrdom
Claudia and Warren are experts in the game of martyrdom. Both play the parts with precision, knowing just how to make the other feel guilty, selfish, and inferior.
Neither want to own up to their anger. Claudia is angry that Warren wants his parents more than he wants her approval. Warren is angry that Claudia denegrates his needs and shows up the priority he gives their union.
So they compete for the title of most suffering martyr
The results are
- bad feelings all around
- no real exchange of feelings
- masked and unacknowledged intense emotions that could explode at a later time
- pretense of being the noble one
Breaking the Martyr Cycle
- Claudia must talk to Waren about her fear that she can be so easily toppled from Warren's A list.
- The couple should take the opportunity to address the competitive nature of their relationship
- Warren and Claudia should express their anger at the time they feel it
- Negotiating ways that they can help each other feel secure no matter what circumstances they face will save their partnership.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake 5
Mistake Number 5- Preventing Your Partner From Growing
Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.
The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:
A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '
The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.
" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.
" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.
"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."
Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.
WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?
Taking A Step Towards a Dream
Sela was so excited. Her youngest son had just started school. Now she could go to art college and study photography. She had been too scared to attend classes before, thinking it would interfere with her marriage and parenting. It was what she had dreamed of for so long. She signed up and went home to share the news with her husband.
The Step Forward is a Threat
Danny's heart sank deeper and deeper as he listened to Sela's enthusiasm and pleasure. As she talked of her life opening up and being able to pursue her hobby, a voice inside Danny set off alarm bells:
A Voice inside Spells out Doom
'She will meet other guys. She will be swept off her feet by the college crowd. She will get so rapt up in her art she will come home late. She will talk of nothing but famous photographers. She will forget about my hard days. She won't care so much about me. She will put the children last. She will want to go out more on her own. She will grow away from me. Our marriage won't be the same. Everything will change. She's going to get bored with me. She will leave me behind.This is scary. '
The Reins Are Pulled Tight
" How can you afford the classes?" Danny asked, trying not to appear like a wet blanket.
" I work three days at the day care center and that will more than cover it." Sela threw his fears aside.
" So you're going to be locked up in a dark room. What's going to happen to time together? What if I have to stay late at work? What if the kids are sick?" Danny pressured Sela into thinking she was selfish.
"It's a photography class, not a job at the north pole! I just want to take a class in something I've been waiting a long time to do. Please don't make me feel guilty."
Struggling to Get Rid of the Reins
Sela felt pressured. Her dreams and hopes, part of her need to grow and taste the world, fulfill her potential was being smothered. She had always played the game and given in to her family, putting off her own longing to be all the things she knew was part of her birthright.
WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES?
- Sela can follow her heart and do the class, risking Danny's jealousies and fears.
- Sela can choose to avoid confrontation and deny herself what she is entitled to.
Do either of these seem like possible ways out of this problem? What do you think?
What if?
If Sela gives in she will resent Danny and their relationship will rot and fester and tear and disintegrate. Anger and resentment will ruin their bonds.
If Sela does what she wants, Danny will become more paranoid about losing her and start imagining the worst scenario's possible, driving her mad and pushing her away.
Either way they are doomed.
Soloution: Danny can allow himself to grow too. He can take up a new hobby or get more involved with his children. He can also show an interest in Sela's photography and become a part of that so that he doesn't feel left out. Including himself means he can tolerate her growth and grow with her, rather than strangling her dreams and with it their marriage.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Ten Mistakes For Couples to Avoid - Mistake 4
Mistake Number 4 - Treat Each Other With Contempt
Rupert drove Estelle to her brother's party in a foul mood. She could hardly bear to be near him, and kept making snide comments about his driving.
" You drive like teenager with a new toy! Grow up for heaven's sake!" Estelle said in a demeaning tone.
" Well look at you! You're a middle aged woman dressed up like some has been trying to make herself look like a hot chick! Rupert gave as good as he got.
Number One Predictor of Divorce
Research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is exchanging condemnation between couples. The fabric of the relationship is torn apart. There is no respect, care or concern for each other's feelings, only a need to score points and feel superior. Tearing your partner down, means you also tear down the marriage. That leaves both parties feeling unsafe. They are either bracing themselves for an onslaught or they are getting ready to deliver a blow. Either way they are not available to listen or care.
Five Ways to Avoid The Trap
- Acknowledge the anger your partner has without getting defensive.
- Ask what the anger is about.
- Make the relationship safe again so that a caring dialogue can occur.
- Use your right to clear up any misunderstandings
- Find a common thread that can create a sense of togetherness
Resources
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid - Number Three
Mistake Number 3 -Thinking and Feeling For Your Partner
Connie Imagines The Worst
The pregnancy test proved positive. Connie's heart sank. How could she tell Mario? He would just flip out. He didn't want kids just yet. He would feel tricked and manipulated. He would find Connie unattractive. He would be angry with her. He would despise her. He wouldn't want to have anymore to do with her. He would find someone else. He would leave her.
Thinking and Feeling For Mario Makes Connie Feel Stronger
Those racing thoughts that spelled out catastrophe made Connie terrified of talking to Mario. She had already convinced herself of how he would feel, how he would react. In her mind she had put their relationship in a grave.
Fortified with an image of just how it would go, she finally got up the courage to tell Mario the next day. Insulated against the bad reaction she had predicted, she gave him the news.
" I'm a month late, and I think I may be pregnant. I know it's not what you want. I'm not sure how it happened. I suppose you want to leave me, so if you're going to go, do it now!"
Mario Is Mad At Being Treated Like A Puppet
Mario was mad. " You know what, I might just do that! I'm tired of you telling me what I think, how I feel, and what I will do. You expect me to be mean, and then you tell me I'm going to be mean, and set me up for it. Then when I get mad you feel rejected."
Connie Rob's Herself of Loyalty and Commitment
Connie's desperate need for predictability made her write unhappy scenes in her head which she then forced Mario to act out. The result was that she became the ventriloquist to Mario's puppet. She took away his mind, his ability to think and feel for himself. She robbed herself of his intelligence, emotions and empathy for her. She robbed him of the opportunity to offer her support, comfort, loyalty and commitment.
Open Doors and Get The Goodies
Allowing your partner to have their full range of feelings, thoughts and ideas means you value them. It means that you accept them as they are, not who you think they may be. Giving them space and encouraging them to be who they truly are gives them the opportunity to be so much more to you than your imagination can conceive.
Mix and Match Thoughts and Feelings for a Solid Relationship
Be curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Mix and match them with your own, and together you will have a strong resource that belongs to the both of you as a couple. That is a good solid foundation for a lasting relationship.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Resource: Togetherness sporting activities
Connie Imagines The Worst
The pregnancy test proved positive. Connie's heart sank. How could she tell Mario? He would just flip out. He didn't want kids just yet. He would feel tricked and manipulated. He would find Connie unattractive. He would be angry with her. He would despise her. He wouldn't want to have anymore to do with her. He would find someone else. He would leave her.
Thinking and Feeling For Mario Makes Connie Feel Stronger
Those racing thoughts that spelled out catastrophe made Connie terrified of talking to Mario. She had already convinced herself of how he would feel, how he would react. In her mind she had put their relationship in a grave.
Fortified with an image of just how it would go, she finally got up the courage to tell Mario the next day. Insulated against the bad reaction she had predicted, she gave him the news.
" I'm a month late, and I think I may be pregnant. I know it's not what you want. I'm not sure how it happened. I suppose you want to leave me, so if you're going to go, do it now!"
Mario Is Mad At Being Treated Like A Puppet
Mario was mad. " You know what, I might just do that! I'm tired of you telling me what I think, how I feel, and what I will do. You expect me to be mean, and then you tell me I'm going to be mean, and set me up for it. Then when I get mad you feel rejected."
Connie Rob's Herself of Loyalty and Commitment
Connie's desperate need for predictability made her write unhappy scenes in her head which she then forced Mario to act out. The result was that she became the ventriloquist to Mario's puppet. She took away his mind, his ability to think and feel for himself. She robbed herself of his intelligence, emotions and empathy for her. She robbed him of the opportunity to offer her support, comfort, loyalty and commitment.
Open Doors and Get The Goodies
Allowing your partner to have their full range of feelings, thoughts and ideas means you value them. It means that you accept them as they are, not who you think they may be. Giving them space and encouraging them to be who they truly are gives them the opportunity to be so much more to you than your imagination can conceive.
Mix and Match Thoughts and Feelings for a Solid Relationship
Be curious about your partner's thoughts and feelings. Mix and match them with your own, and together you will have a strong resource that belongs to the both of you as a couple. That is a good solid foundation for a lasting relationship.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Resource: Togetherness sporting activities
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ten Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake Two
Mistake Number Two - Expecting Your Partner To Be A Mind Reader
The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.
In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.
Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.
Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.
The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.
"What's wrong?" she asked several times.
" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.
Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.
Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.
Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"
Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
The first mistake couples should avoid is to avoid setting traps for one another. Asking for what you want, clearing up misconceptions and being straight eases insecurity and makes for a more comfortable relationship.
In Built Wish Not To Have To Spell It Out
The second mistake couples should avoid is to wish for and expect your partner to read your mind. We all have a inbuilt wish that our loved ones can sense how we feel, what is troubling us, how much we hurt, how upset they are making us, or just how attention starved we are.
Barney Believes Nora Doesn't Care
Take the story of Barney and Nora. He had a rough day at work. All he wanted when he got home was a hug, a kiss and some attention. He wanted to feel loved and valued to make up for all the customer complaints he fielded during the miserable day. But when he got home Nora was busy cooking an intricate meal and was juggling several pots on the stove, not to mention getting the baby off to sleep.
Barney Sulks Because Nora Didn't Read Him
Barney got a quick hug and kiss before Nora returned to the dinner preparations, talking to him as she worked. Barney felt sick with disappointment. As far as he was concerned his need for attention and affection was seeping out from every pore in his body. How could Nora be so blind?She obviously sees it but doesn't care was his conclusion, and he sulked the rest of the night.
The Silent Treatment Punishment
At dinner and later as they were getting ready for bed, Barney's rage at not being attended to came out in his short tempered responses to Nora's usual bed time chatter. She had no idea why.
"What's wrong?" she asked several times.
" Nothing!!" Barney stressed in a bitter way, showing clearly that something was definitely the matter. Barney was angry that his partner needed it spelled out. He wanted her to read his mind, his heart and his mood.
Barney translated the fact that Nora couldn't read his mind as a sign of not caring for him.
Nora had no way of knowing exactly what Barney needed or why. She may have got a sense that he wasn't in the best of moods, but that is all she can get from his body language and facial expressions.
Screwing With Me
"What do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader. You're screwing with me if you punish me for not being there for you, when you refuse to tell me what the problem is, or what I can do to help!!"
Barney's Responsibility
He should have told Nora about his day, and his wish for attention. That way he could have got
- more immediate understanding
- more sympathy
- more attention
- a greater sense of being loved and cared for
- a boost from feeling valued and important to his partner
Hoping For Your Mind To Be Read Equals Self-Sabotage
By waiting and hoping that somehow Nora would just figure it out by magic, he sabotaged his very reasonable needs.
The Dance of Talking and Sharing Feelings
One measure of connectedness is anticipating each other's needs and preparing to meet them as and when appropriate. However, this type of intimacy doesn't happen overnight, nor is it an automatic part of the deal when two people choose to enter a relationship.
There is also the dance of talking about feelings, thoughts, and everything else that is inside you. Keeping silent and waiting for your partner to guess is the second biggest mistake couples make that leads to the destruction of a relationship.Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ten Relationship Mistakes Couples Should Avoid- Mistake One
Mistake Number One - Setting Traps
The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.
The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.
“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.
“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.
“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.
“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”
“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.
“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.
“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.
The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.
A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
The Bait Is Set
Damien bought his wife a beautiful scarf for their fifth wedding anniversary. He imagined her wearing it and looking gorgeous in those earth tones that suited her so well. After dinner that evening he presented her with the gift wrapped package, anticipating her surprised and delighted expression.
The Bait Is Taken
Adele smiled as she opened the gift. “ Thanks Damien. It’s lovely. You are very thoughtful.” She wrapped the scarf back in it’s tissue paper and put it in her purse. Damien’s heart fell to his boots. “ You don’t like it, do you?” he asked.
“ Of course I like it, I said it’s lovely.” emphasized Adele. But Damien didn’t believe her.
“ Maybe the pattern isn’t your style!” he goaded.
“ It’s fine, Damien.” Adele reassured him.
“ You’re just saying that to please me! It didn’t look as if you really liked it.”
“ What do you want me to say Damien? Do you want me to jump up and down for joy? Do you want me to tell you it’s the best present I’ve ever had, or what?” Adele raised her angry voice.
“ I can tell you don’t really like it. You put it away so fast and don’t want to hurt my feelings.” Damien prodded Adele again.
“ Okay, you are right. I don’t think it’s that special. It’s nice, but I’m not mad about it.” Adele defended herself.
The Prey Is Caught But No One is Happy
Damien snared her in his trap. She had been caught pretending and he felt vindicated. But he also felt hurt and rejected. Damien uses traps to get evidence of Adele’s love and loyalty. Each time he does he creates bad feeling and mistrust between himself and his wife.
A Better Solution
Asking Adele for her true feelings without setting traps is an honest and upfront way of making sure they are on the same page. Adele won’t feel pressured and be on her guard to avoid hidden snares. It will make for a more secure and authentic relationship.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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